Sarah Laughed

A new blog

2011-10-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful readers,
After a little debate, and much thought, I've decided to start a new blog. This one was a little meandering, and unfocused. I want to write something with a bit more...well, focus.
I'm many things:
A wife, a mother, a Christ follower, a writer, an actress, a woman, and a geek.
So, I want to write a blog that embraces all these things, mixes them up, and serves up some good verbal food for thought, debate, laughs, tears and so on.
Sarah Laughed was necessary because after Rosalind was born I was trying to figure out who I was in the midst of this major change in my life. No longer was just my husband and I, it was he and I and this beautiful, mysterious, all consuming little person. It's been hard to figure out how to be me while being a mother because so much of my life has been turned on it's ear in service to my darling daughter. I don't begrudge her any of this, on the contrary. I feel that becoming a mother has helped me find a more authentic self than I have before. I've had to examine why I believe things, what I want to pass onto Rosalind, and why. And through the course of all that, discover things about myself that I never saw before. And it's because of this that I feel that a new, fresh blog is in order. Hopefully this will be something lasting, something that will have the elasticity to grow with me. Sarah Laughed was created to be a bit too focused on life after infertility and pregnancy, when in reality my life has such a broader scope than that.
I hope you will come along with me. We'll be discussing books, of course. Movies, TV, web series, comics, games, motherhood, wifedom, the stresses of trying to be an Indie film/web series producer, the new horizons of being an author, and hopefully so much more.

The new blog is called "Free to be a Geek" and I hope you'll venture over there when you have time. you can read any blog, I hope you feel mine has a little something for you so you'll keep coming back, and tell your friends about it.

Thanks for following, me thus far. The journey has just begun.

Swing and a miss, Buffy's back.

2011-07-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

My plan to write a weekly segment about "Buffy" was interrupted by a horrible stomach bug and my seven year old niece coming for a visit.

But I also realize that doing recaps may be a bit boring, I mean if you're reading this you probably already like "Buffy" and have seen most, if not all, the episodes. So, I've decided instead to just talk a little about the episodes I've watched and my impressions, fun facts, etc.

One thing I've noticed about Joss Whedon is that he uses the same actors over and over. And this isn't limited to the main characters either.

The actor that played The Judge in "Surprise" and "Innocence" in season two, played a main vampire minion of The Master in the first two episodes of season one.

The actor that plays a psycho vampire in season two's episode "Helpless" also plays the infamous "Raff" in season six.

The actress that portrays William's pre-vampire crush in season five's "Fool For Love" episode plays Anya's vengeance demon gal-pal Hallie. (A fact that is played up in season six when Dawn wishes everyone won't leave the house and Spike sees her. It's a nice "Yes we know, we know" moment from the producers.)

And the one that I missed until just recently: The actor that portrays the geek Andrew in Season six and seven played one of Harmony's vampire minions in season fives "The Real Me" episode.

There's some cross overs from other Wheddon shows; such as a "Firefly" actor playing an ex classmate of Buffy's who has been sired by Spike in season seven's "Conversations With Dead People". The actor was a guest star in one of the last "Firefly" episodes and is one of my favorite Whedon supporting actors.

Season two has one of the scariest (for me anyway) episodes: "Killed By Death". I made sure to watch during the day time but I was still clutching the pillow and cringing. There's just something about that episode that's too close to my childhood nightmares and fears.

The episode "Passion" is probably one of the best in terms of how hey told the story, in my opinion, but "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" is one of my favorites in this season. And in "I Only Have Eyes For You" David Boreanaz's performace inspired Whedon to do the spinoff series "Angel".

Season two wraps up, of course, with the nearly simultaneous curing (by Willow) and killing of Angel by Buffy. It must've just KILLED anyone watching the show at the time to be faced with an entire summer of waiting to see if Buffy would return to Sunnydale and if Angel would ever come back; I know I would've been swearing at the TV if I had been a fan then.

A real quick shameless plug for the new web series I am in called "The Collectibles." You can find us on FaceBook, and since I know you'll love the show when it airs, please "like" us. More news to follow about when and where you can view this hot new show.

"Buffy" Season Two eps 7-12

2011-07-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, which means it's time to talk Buffy.

"Lie to me" sees the appearance of an old friend of Buffy's from LA. Fun fact here: the actor that plays "Ford" is Jason Behr, who played tortured alien "Max" in the 1999 TV show "Roswell". But in this episode, Ford is not exactly tortured over his decision to trade Buffy to Spike for a chance at becoming a Vampire. At first this appears to be just totally insane and dickish, but he soon explains that he's dying any way, "In six months what they bury won't even look like me. It'll be bald, and it'll smell bad." I do have a moment of sympathy for the character, dying of cancer at any age is brutally unfair. Ford gets his wish, and becomes a vampire, only to have Buffy stake him the moment he's out of his grave.

"The Dark Ages" is when we see how truly dark and disturbing Giles was when he was younger. I love the reappearance of Ethan Raine, who was seriously under used in this show. He's got that "I'm diabolical and selfish, but ain't I kinda cute?" brashness about him, which is helped by the smarmy smiles and jabs at Ripper/Giles' transformation from bad ass demon raiser to tweed clad demon fighter. But the rather clumsy way they separate Jenni and Giles is pretty annoying. I mean really, would you break up with a hot English guy just because a demon he conjured like twenty years ago possess you for a couple hours?

"What's my line?" parts one and two are two of my FAVORITE episodes of this season. We've got some romantic Buffy and Angel action, with an interesting "Vampires on Ice" fight scene. Three interesting assassins, Oz and Willow FINALLY meeting and the first time Cordelia and Xander get all smoochy. The Latvian bug guy is the best assassin, and the scene of him raining his little buggy parts all over Cordy is one of the grosser things in this show. Funny moment: Xander is hosing the bugs off Cordy and there's a moment where he's pointing the hose at her chest and staring hypnotically. We also have the first appearance of slayer #2, Kendra, who accidentally helps Spike capture Angel so he can rejuvenate Drusilla. At the end of the show, the assassins are taken care of, Oz and Willow are cutely flirting over a box of animal crackers and Drusilla carries Spike out of the rubble of the burning building where they supposedly were killed.

"Ted" has one of the best guest stars in the entire show: John Ritter. He's truly chilling as Ted, a robot who's obsessed with Joyce and intent on getting Buffy out of the way. There's lots of great dialogue that points to the fact that good ole Ted isn't what he appears to be, but it's hidden in everyday phrases like "I'm just not wired that way" and "Oh, you mean 'The Machine'?" I adore John Ritter, have since "Three's Company" Dan made an interesting point that John Ritter is one of those actors who never quite found the right vehicle at the right moment. I wish he had.

"Bad Eggs" is an interesting body snatcher kind of ep with a huge pulsating blob that lives in the school basement (which let's be honest, EVERYTHING lives in the frickin' school basement). It honestly looks and feels a bit more alien than demon, but throw in some cowboy vampires with an ax to grind and you've got a pretty good one.

The show really hits it's stride this season, so many good one liners, with Xander delivering most of them. I know a lot of people talk about the angsty quality of this show, but compared to other teen vampire stories like "Twilight" I honestly don't mind. I think it's because it's angst with quality story telling.

"Buffy" Season One, and eps 1-6 of season Two

2011-06-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm going back and watching every episode of "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" in order; even the ones I've never really liked.

I haven't done this since Rosalind was born and it feels kinda good to do it again. I was thinking recently though "Why don't I write a weekly blog post about the eps I've seen that week."

Now, I've already watched all of season one and I'm about six episodes into season two so what I'll do is recap season one tonight and the first six of season Two, and then next friday start a recap of the ones I've seen that week.

So, here we go....Cue the theme music...Alright! (Yes, I'm a HUGE Buffy geek...so what?)

Season one is so short! Only twelve episodes since it was a mid season replacement, but a pretty good opener. Yes, the cheesiness abounds like when they play the theme music in the last episode as Buffy, Angel and Zander are walking very purposefully to find and defeat The Master. But there's also some really good moments.

Such as in the episode "The Pack" where we get to see the darker side of Zander. Now, I always thought Zander crush-worthy, but in this episode the sexy factor was turned way up. Another good one has to be "The Puppet Show". I get the creeps when I see a dummy, I think they're just all around icky, but in this episode the dummy was really a great character and made the episode funny.

"Nightmares" is probably one of the creepiest of this season, in my opinion. Here's a quick recap: A young boy is in a coma, and because of the mystical energy of the Hellmouth, his nightmares have torn the boundary between reality and the realm of nightmare, meaning everyone's nightmares are becoming reality. Not only can we all relate to the absolute horror at the thought of our worst nightmares coming true, but this episode also encourages those who've been abused to be strong, confront the monsters who've hurt them and disarm them.

My favorite for season one has to be "Angel". It's angsty, sexy and we see some awesome Darla and Angel interaction. Side note: They killed Darla off WAY too early. I mean, seriously! She was an all star villain; which I guess is why they brought her back in the TV show "Angel."

All in all, season one was a decent start. Dan points out that they did a really good job of integrating how High School can feel within the supernatural story lines. Such as in "Witch" where we see the pressure of parental expectations against the backdrop of a literal wicked witch of a mother. Or the brutality of cliques in "The Pack".

Now Season Two:

First episode is great because we see how literally dying and being revived changed Buffy; and it also gives us a sexy Zander-Buffy moment. But from a story telling standpoint I really appreciate how they weren't just glossing this over. Going through such a thing would change a person on a fundamental level.

Buffy and Angel's relationship is fits and starts the first five episodes. He doesn't want to be with her because it'll get complicate (he's a vampire after all) and she's not sure if she should have feelings for a blood sucking fiend; soul or no. I have to admit it's handled a little...clumsily. Episode five "Reptile Boy", Angel tells her their attraction isn't a fairy tale, their passion can only lead to bad things, yet by the end of it he back tracks and they're starting to kinda date. A little sudden in my opinion, although dragging it out much more would be awful.

Season two episode three is the first time we meet Spike and Drusilla...*sigh* Spike...ok, so I have a thing for bad boys. The relationship between Spike and Drusilla is awesome; dark, twisted, passionate, completely devoted. The first time Spike sees Buffy is at the Bronze, and the scene is loaded with sexual energy. She's dancing, Spike is lurking in the shadows, watching. His expression is equal parts desire to kill and desire to screw. Whether the actor and writers knew it or not, it lays the foundation for his obsession and love in the later seasons.

Giles is so cute in this season! I mean his crush on Jenny Calendar is one of my favorite storylines. He's clumsy, sexy, bookish and in episode six "Halloween" we see the first glimpse of "Ripper"....mmmmm.....I love Ripper. Seriously how many bookish, handsome guys have a burn down the world dark side. Yum! And in episode six we also see army guy Zander, who looks AMAZING in a dark green tank while he's kicking serious butt.

One more note about episode six, it's the first time we see take charge Willow. For those who don't know, there's a spell cast on some of the Halloween costumes and our heroes become their costumes. So Zander becomes an army guy, Buffy an 18th Century woman, and Willow a ghost. Willow is the only one who remembers who everyone is and what is really going on and has to take charge. It's the beginning of her major change this season.

Of the six, I have to say "Halloween" is my favorite. I just love the reversal of the world; Buffy the victim not the hero, Willow the leader, and the glimpse of Giles' dark side.

I'm not feeling well, so I may get through quite a few episodes in the next week, but I'll try to limit my future posts to just six episodes max.

Let me know which ones are your favorites of the episodes I've blogged about, I'd love to hear from some of my awesome readers!

Book 17: Ain't she sweet

2011-06-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

So I took a radical detour from my heavily cerebral reading list and read a romantic comedy. I was taking a chance since my last foray into the Romance genre ended in disappointment and wasted money. But "Ain't She Sweet" was delightfully good. It had the best aspects of most romantic comedies with truly interesting characters that had dimension; unlike the few Romance novels I tried and failed to read.

Popular and beautiful Sugar Beth has had three husbands, and is coming back into her hometown after leaving a trail of hurt and anger a mile wide. She's also flat broke and her childhood home is now owned by the teacher she wrongfully accused of sexual misconduct.
Needless to say everyone wants revenge. But Sugar Beth has learned some hard lessons since leaving her hometown, and has come back stronger, though much more gun shy of personal relationships.

In some ways it was predictable, especially if you're a fan of rom-com's, but in other ways it was a pleasant surprise. The way Sugar Beth repaired some of her relationships, the turn her love affair with our male protagonist took and the richness of the supporting characters was all a nice departure from the romance novels I've read in the past.

I highly recommend this, especially if you're in the mood for a book you can just zone out to.

Feeling Better

2011-06-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

O-K...So I realize my last post was a bit histrionic. I apologize for those it may have been uncomfortable for. I certainly didn't mean to make anyone feel like that or make anyone upset. If I did I am so sorry.

A little update: I'm better.

The novel isn't an ash heap.

And a closer look at the critiques with Dan helped me find some answers as to why one of them said some of the things he/she did. There was some simple misunderstandings mainly from the synopsis and from my lack of listening to my inner artist and making some very simple changes before sending the submission off; i.e. changing the protagonists age from 25 to 16.

So, thank you for bearing with my depressed artist rant. I think I just had to get it out and since I'd already vomited some of that bile onto Dan I wanted a different place to vent the rest.

Thanks for giving me that place.

Pale copies

2011-06-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

In the movie "Little Women" Christian Bale, playing "Teddy" has a line that still haunts me. He and the character Amy are in Europe to feed their artistic souls and hopefully have their talents recognized by the people that matter. In response to Amy encouraging Teddy about his music he says, "My compositions are like your paintings. Pale copies of another man's genius."

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

I've feared becoming that statement since I heard it. To feel so much artistic longing, to feel the beauty of creating inside of you but never able to express it?

Oh my God, I can't think of a worse existence.

Here's the thing though, I feel today that maybe I'm facing it.

I'm real good at giving snippets of inspiration. A little nudge here, a character idea there, a scene, a line of dialogue.

But when it comes to the full on take the reigns and go aspect I fear that I may only project the "pale copies of another man's genius".

What has brought on this bleak outlook, you may ask?

I submitted to a literary contest in February. I never expected to win, my only hope was to be one of the eight finalists in my genre; baring that to have really good reviews.

Neither came true.

As part of the contest I receive two critiques, neither of which was particularly inspiring. One of them complained that in the twenty-six pages I sent, my protagonist was one note. Another accused me of "ripping off" Robert Jordan. One gave me literal line by line critiques, while the other simply told me that my scenes rambled on and that if I didn't change my second chapter he personally wouldn't bother reading my story if some idiot chose to publish it.

Of course they used slightly more...professional verbiage.

I know it wasn't as polished grammatically as it could have been. And that the synopsis left out the fact the war wasn't unending (as with Jordan) but instead the sisters would be the ones to end it and bring peace to the land. But I was more than a little annoyed to read that I should replace my dialogue with narrative and that my mandatory one page synopsis didn't have enough detail.

Maybe you're sitting here thinking "You should be more open to honest critique. What do you want everyone just to tell you how great you are and let you fall on your face?"

The answer is no, of course not. I like getting honest feedback, it's helped me a lot in the past. I'm not sure what the exact difference is here, but there is one. Perhaps it's feeling like I'm being told by two people from a well respected writers association that I suck the hind teat of the Fantasy genre, I'm a copy cat with no real talent (pale copy), and that I should simply be satisfied being a wife and mother and stick to writing Christmas cards.

I think in the absence of other feedback, the negative looms larger than it might otherwise. Only one person that I sent the book to after I'd finished the major revisions a month and half ago has finished reading it and said anything about it. She liked it, said it was a page turner. She doesn't read Fantasy books as a rule but she loved this one. She'll tell you that the fact that she's my mother-in-law doesn't color her judgement and for those who know Judy, you know she's telling the truth.

But nothing from any other friend or family member.

I understand people have lives, they have their own artistic and personal pursuits, families, jobs, responsibilities that take up every moment of every day. I get it, I really do.

At this point, though, I almost wish they'd just dump it in the trash and tell me they couldn't get through it; that the first two chapters didn't grab them enough to read it through to the end and that the only reason they are attempting to trudge along is because they're my friends and care about me. That the dialogue sucks, it's just not different enough for each character (a critique from the contest). That the concept has been done to death, that it's not original enough in the "sword and sorcery" sub-genre of Fantasy to really make it. That my prose is amateur and clunky. That it sucks the hind teat of Fantasy and should be relegated to the half off bin at Barnes and Noble.

The thing is, I never thought it was the next great Fantasy novel; not like Jacqueline Carey or Brandon Sanderson, or Jim Butcher's stories. But I always thought, or hoped, that it was good. A solid story, with interesting characters, and a villain you might love to hate. And at the very least a story my friends and family would want to read. That if it didn't find a publisher they would want to keep reading because they liked the story. I always thought that, at least, would be enough for me; if I could touch and entertain my friends and family with it.

Not to sound over dramatic, but at this point...well, the thought of building a nice little pyre and setting the damn thing on fire has crossed my mind today.

To Co-Exist

2011-05-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

I once read a biography about Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath called "Her Husband." For those of you who don't know Sylvia Plath is the author of one of the most influential books of poetry of the 20th century called "Ariel". The book was published after she committed suicide.

One of the parts of the biography that I remember the best is when Sylvia is struggling with the idea of having children. She very much wants to be a mother, it's a primal desire within her. But another desire wars with it, the need to be a poet. She worries that the two; poet (artist) and mother can't co-exist, that one will ultimately kill the other.

I know just how she feels.

I struggled for three years to conceive my beautiful little girl, I would not trade her for all the free afternoons of writing or career making acting roles the world had to offer. She holds my heart in her tiny, chubby hand. When she smiles my soul soars, when she cries my soul does too. Her triumphs are mine, her pains are too.

I am a mother, to my bone marrow.

I am also an artist.

Since Rosalind's birth I have acted twice in short plays. It was hard for me to get back into the swing, hard to coordinate Dan getting home in time for me to go to rehearsals and performances. To be honest, if I wasn't frustrated with people wasting my time before I had the baby, I was now. Each time an actor was late, or a rehearsal drawn out I'd feel my body tensing with aggravation and exhaustion. I wasn't sleeping, I hardly had time to eat, I was trying to figure out how to be a mother while also trying to figure out how to memorize lines and be relaxed and in the moment. (My acting teacher Mr. J.D. Coburn would say that "figuring it out" was my first problem. Sometimes I genuinely miss that wise, artistic man.)

It was harder work than ever. And I wasn't sure I was still cut out for it. Truth be told, I'm still not sure. I've denied the actor in me for a while now because to face it was painful. I haven't been sure if I'd ever do the things I dreamed of. Will I ever get to play Beatrice in "Much Ado About Nothing" ? Or just be in a Shakespeare play with a real professional company? Will I ever be a paid actor; not Oscar winning, not super-mega star, but a well respected Indie actress?

I don't know.

I have no idea how to balance the mother with the artist. Like Sylvia I am at a loss to know how to stretch my soul so far.

But, I am reminded of the fact that; baring her massively depressive mind set, Sylvia Plath mothered two beautiful children and wrote a masterful novel called "The Bell Jar" and a visceral, beautiful, haunting book of poetry called "Ariel". Her artist found the time in the midst of motherhood to live and even thrive.

I like to have a plan, I like to know how things are going to happen. And I have no idea how this can happen. It'll take time, that much I know. I always believed I could be artist, wife, mother. Dan believes I can.

And honestly in looking for a nice wrap up to this post I'm coming up empty. The thought of waiting until she's old enough for preschool sounds doable, but I want another child. So what then? Wait another two or three years? Who knows. I refuse to give up but I feel outside pressures making that resolve weaken.

When I stop and breathe, though, the worry lessens, the fear quiets and I have peace. But I still don't know quite where I'm going, or what it'll look like when I get there. I need someone who believes in me, outside of Dan. I need someone who's been where I am and succeeded, who has satisfaction in motherhood and art.

Until then, God help me please. God keep the mother and the artist alive in me.

Book #16: To Kill a Mockingbird

2011-05-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

"To Kill a Mockingbird" is an amazing book, I can't believe I haven't read before now. I was a little intimidated by it for some reason, but it's one of the easiest reads.

First person narratives can be boring if the protagonist isn't incredibly interesting. Scout is our narrator, and the book takes her from six to nine years old. It reads like a memoir, which I'm a big fan of. Scout tells her story simply, with little embellishment. It's folksy and heartbreaking. The only thing I've known about the story is that it deals with a black man accused of raping a white woman, but there's so much more to it than that.

It's a coming of age for a young girl struggling to figure out her world and the people in it. The trial of Tom Robinson is one of the central aspects of her story because it affects her world in such a large way. To see the trial through her young eyes is gripping, sad, exciting and intriguing all at the same time. Scout sees the injustice of the trial in such a simple way that it breaks my heart.

Scout endures seeing her brother grow from a rambunctious boy into a moody teen without fully understanding what he's going through. She, her brother and their friend, Dill, are obsessed with a recluse named Boo Radley, who turns out to be their saving grace at the end of the book.

The things Scout learns, the way she's changed is told subtly and simply and because of that it's incredibly touching. It's a book I will read again and again and will make sure Rosalind reads by the time she's fourteen. It's just that good.

Book #14 & 15: "Hood" and "Buddhism for Mothers"

2011-05-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

I'll begin briefly with the fiction book I just finished called "Hood" by Stephen R. Lawhead. It's a retelling of the Robin Hood myth, obviously, but with a new twist; well new to me anyway. It's set in Wales as the Ffreinc are conquering and taking the land away from the people. The main character is Bran, a spoiled, self involved young man who loses his overbearing father at the beginning of the book. His choices are to either abandon his people or become the legendary Raven King, or Rhi Bran the Hud, and save his people from the oppression of the Ffreinc.
It's an enjoyable read, great if you're looking for something to simply zone out to. The characters are at once believable and entertaining. After a break neck beginning the middle slows way down as the hero undergoes a transformation and our villains each position themselves to divide the Welsh countryside among them. I highly recommend it.

Now on to "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napthali. I know it may sound strange for a Christ-follower to be reading a book about Buddhism, but I have to say I was surprised to discover how many Buddhist principles can be found among Jesus' teachings.

There is a belief in Buddhism that we must learn to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves before we can be that way with others and that spiritual change is a long journey, fraught with set backs and plateaus. This is one of the main things that brought me peace from reading this book. So often as a Christ-follower I am harsh with myself for not being better, not being further along in my spiritual journey; and this has seeped into my view of myself as a mother. Being a parent is hard enough without being your own worst critic. This book gave some deep and amazing principles for living a life of compassion towards ourselves and those around us, for working through and discarding worry, and for carving out times of peace and meditation (or prayer).

It wasn't easy to get through not because it was condemning, but because there was so much wisdom in it. I believe that true wisdom, whether phrased in the Bible, Buddhist teachings, Kabbalah or Koran is from God; I know that will likely raise eyebrows and blood pressure for some of you, but hear me out. I am a Christ-follower, I don't believe I've strayed from that. But I feel that I've heard the same thing the same way so much that I needed to hear true wisdom in a fresh way. That's why this book resonated with me; or at least one of the reasons.

It gives some wonderful ways to help deal with anger, worry, how to be in the moment rather than always thinking ahead and how to cultivate a spirit of love for our family and those in our community; how to be open and expand our world, in other words, to include more than just ourselves.

Honestly there's so much I got out of this book that I can't post it all. But let me just say I was constantly drawn to the Bible as I read it, constantly reminded of verses I hadn't thought of in months or years. And as I read I felt compassion for myself growing, I felt God loving me, and teaching me. I've been making an effort to surrender control of my day, of being the perfect parent to God every day. And I've been trying to be present to every moment, and not judge them good or bad because I don't know how God will transform them, or what He will use to teach me.

I recommend this book for any parent, whether you're a mother or father, whether you've just had a baby, are pregnant or your kids are in High School.

Book # 13: Cleopatra: A Life

2011-04-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

"Cleopatra: A Life" by Stacey Schiff is one of those biographies that is just as entertaining as a work of fiction.

Schiff freely admits that most of the historical data about Cleopatra is not only written by men who never knew her or where alive when she was, it's also propaganda that is designed to make the Romans more than justified for defeating the Egyptian Queen.

The Romans hated strong women, considering them unnatural. In Rome at this time women had few rights, where as in Egypt women enjoyed rights on par with what we have in America today. Women in Rome were expected to be faithful to their husbands, good mothers, silent but intelligent, sober yet able to host a sumptuous dinner, sexual beings yet not obviously so.

Cleopatra was the opposite of all this. Intelligent, well spoken, schooled in history, chemistry, literature, philosophy, religion, art, speaker of nine Languages (including the incredibly difficult Egyptian language). She could charm anyone, not with her sexuality alone, but her ability to see those around her, navigate the difficult political situations, and position herself to reap the most benefits.

She was richer than any Roman, and any of the monarchs around her. A Queen who was in exile when Caesar helped her win back her throne, Cleopatra was nothing if not resourceful. She believed that she was indeed a daughter of Isis, and her countrymen hailed her as the embodiment of that Goddess. During her almost decade long affair with Antony she was able to restore Egypt to what it had been at the height of the Ptolemy rule three decades earlier.

Schiff references mainly Plutarch and Dio, and some Josephus. She freely shows the discrepancies in their accounts, yet also shows what the historians may have almost gotten right. Each of these major historians were tried and true Romans, and needed to justify Rome attacking and over throwing Cleopatra. They also wanted to show how strong men like Caesar and Antony could be taken in by the Egyptian Queen without admitting that it may have been love, respect, and the ability of these men not only to see the political sense it made to align with the richest kingdom in the ancient world but also the power Cleopatra wielded just by virtue of being herself.

Of course, the easiest course, as Schiff pointed out, was to make Cleopatra an insatiable pervert, saying it was only her sexuality that garnered her such power and not all her other attributes. Cleopatra isn't the only woman of power to have been so maligned by historians, just the one with the most mystery around her.

Schiff does an excellent job of trying to solve the mysteries that surround Cleopatra with little historical record from Egypt during Cleopatra's reign. In the end, there are many questions left for the reader to answer for themselves, though Schiff has definite opinions; as any good biographer does.

In the end, I have great respect for Cleopatra. It has reawakened my desire to know about the glories of ancient Egypt, pre and post Ptolemy reign. I honestly didn't want the book to end. I knew what would happen, I knew Antony and Cleopatra are ruined, driven to Alexandria in defeat, left without any allies and finally commit suicide to avoid being taken by Octavian's forces back to Rome.

What I didn't know was how strong, how intelligent, how broad her interests were. And in the end how all her intellectual prowess, her strength, her pride, her love couldn't save her from blinding defeat.

Book #12: "Brain Rules for Baby"

2011-04-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

"Brain Rules for Baby" by John Medina is one of the best parenting books I've read so far.
Dealing with something as complex and nebulous as the human brain can come across dry and far too academic, but Medina breaks down the complex information and studies to a lay-man's level. Simply organized, with often funny stories from his own parenting journey, it's a book that anyone can learn from; even if your kids are older than five.

He talks about what makes a child smart and happy. He breaks these down by talking about the genetics (nature) and the parenting atmosphere (nurture) that leads to success in each.

I found it amazing that the core of Medina's book could be found in "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. Karp's book felt disorganized and a bit overwhelming in comparison to Medina's but Karp broke down strategies for getting the desired results more than Medina does; I would have to say this is my only criticism and frustration. Medina lays out some very convincing and wonderful knowledge about how children's minds develop and why, but often I was left with "Yes but HOW?"

I believe that it's never too late to adjust how we do things, to constantly learn and change. That's why I would recommend this book to any parent who has children at any age; even those who may not be parents but who have constant contact with children such as teachers, nannies, daycare workers, grandparents, etc.

I borrowed the copy I just finished but will buying a copy from Amazon ASAP because I know this is a book I will want to refer back to.

Book #11: "Assassin's Apprentice"

2011-04-01T20:00:00.001-07:00

I am fighting an awful cold so my review will be brief.
"Assassin's Apprentice" by Robin Hobb was a book I have mixed feelings about.
Fitz is the bastard son of the King-in-waiting, Chivalry. When Fitz's maternal grandfather abandons him on the doorstep of Chivalry's brother, Verity, he is forced to find his way in a world of cold politics, relatives who don't know what to do with a royal bastard,and a country under attack from a frightening enemy. Fitz does find a place, of sorts, but every time he believes he has found a family, it is taken from him.
The book is told from the first person POV, which can be tricky because the easiest way to tell the story; and indeed the only way to tell the story, is by telling instead of showing. Authors skilled with this POV can make the telling seem like showing and can craft scenes that are immediate and suspenceful.
This story is far more telling than showing, although done in a way that often times makes you feel as if you are being shown. I liked the style for the most part, but did get annoyed when there were things I felt should have been shown rather than told to me.
I don't mind protagonists being hurt, or put through horrible things in stories, but I do have a tendency to dislike it when I can pretty much expect anything good that has happened to the protagonist to either be stripped from him brutally or end up being a liability.
In the end the story picked up significantly and had a good, strong pace that almost makes me want to read the other two books in the series.
Almost.

Book #10: Star Wars: Heir to the Empire

2011-03-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

"Star Wars: Heir to the Empire" by Timothy Zahn was a pleasant surprise. I had started this book way back when it was fairly new and had never finished it. Now, I have a bit more patience with the tecnho-speak and lack of romance than I did then.

This book stays true to the tone and feel of the movies, particularly in regard to the relationships of Han, Luke and Leia. The author even goes so far as to use bits of well known dialogue from the movies, especially when writing Han. The action is fast paced and the story has a really nice flow from one problem, place or plot point into another. I would have to say I'm a little jealous with how seamless this book is since I know my soon to be finished novel (crossing fingers, knocking on wood and making all appropriate sacrifices to the Muses) does not have that kind of finesse. It's obviously something born out of countless hours spent reading and writing, and I will continue to strive for it as long as I live.

The ending is appropriate to a Trilogy with a conclusion that is both satisfying and leaves the story wide open for the next two books.

No complaints really...which I have to say doesn't happen that often for me. I'll grab the next books in this series this year but not right away. The next fiction book for me will be by Robin Hobb and is the first in her Farseer Trilogy.

Book #9: Star Wars Fate of the Jedi: Outcast

2011-03-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

So I took a chance on a Star Wars book, and it wasn't half bad.

Star Wars Fate of the Jedi: Outcast is not too heavy on the tech of Star Wars, more character driven and is easy to jump into even if you've never read any of the other books; which I haven't.
There are three main story lines: Luke Skywalker and his son Ben looking for reasons why Leia and Hans son Jacen turned into a Dark Lord of the Sith; Leia and Han helping Lando on Kessel; and Jaina Solo and the rest of the Jedi trying to keep the Order afloat in the face of Government persecution while attempting to discover why some Jedi are becoming criminally insane.

There were points where at least one of the storylines lagged, but it quickly picked up and made for a page turner; I finished the book in a week which is amazing considering how little time I have with Rosalind running around attempting to pull on the TV, lamps, the stove...you get the idea.

There was a bit of the histrionic about the story, considering that pretty much all the major characters had been "grieviously tortured" at one point or another in the dozen or so books written, and that (SPOILER ALERT!) Lukes wife, Chewbacca, Jacen Solo and Anakin Solo (the two sons of Leia and Han) all died at some point in this long storyline. I don't have a problem with death and torture happening to the main characters, but it comes across a little too...Operatic.

I would love to read more, but I think I'm going to go back to much earlier in the books and read the Timothy Zahn book "Heir to the Empire". It happens only a few years post Return of the Jedi and was good enough to garner praise from both my husband and Todd; two men with discriminating tastes.

Defusing the moment

2011-03-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

So instead of doing another book review I've decided to write something about my latest adventures in Mommy-hood.

Lately Rosalind hasn't wanted to sleep during the day, which has caused me more than a little screaming into a pillow and tears. I usually work when she's sleeping, so the fact that she'll sleep for perhaps a half hour in her crib and then wants to to be held or played with has caused me a bit of stress. I don't mind cuddling with her, I love it. Especially when she rubs her face in my chest and then settles in with such a content look on her face. So precious!

Or when she plops her tea pot in my lap or a book and looks up at me expectantly. I love those times with her.

But, I also need to work. And it's been hard to find the time when she's awake because she loves trying to pull my laptop off my lap and look at the screen saver and wallpaper. Short of putting on "Micky Mouse Clubhouse" I can't get her to leave it alone, and I really hate setting her in front of the TV for hours.

So, yesterday I was planning on doing some much needed Yoga during her morning nap and then work during her afternoon nap. We got all settled in, she fell asleep almost right away but as soon as I stood to set her in the crib her beautiful blue eyes popped open and she smiled as if to say "Well, that was great mom thanks, now it's time to play!"

I tried to get her back to sleep, but to avail.

And instead of going in my bedroom to scream out my frustration into the pillow or call my husband in frustrated tears, I took her downstairs, gave her a snack and turned on my Bollywood Dance workout DVD. Within about ten minutes I was actually smiling, my stress and tension was gone and I was relaxed; with the exception of the usual things happening with physical exertion. Rosalind played around me and even did her version of dancing while I did mine; which granted looks like an epileptic chicken but hey, at least I have fun while doing it.

So, the lesson here?

Well, for me it is that next time this happens, or maybe when she decides that her lunch looks far better thrown against my wall, or when she wants my laptop for her own uses and my temper has reached the boiling point, I stop, get up and move. Turn on the Xbox Kinect and do Dance Central for fifteen minutes, or a little Bollywood dance, or some quick Yoga stretches. Change the scene, so to speak, and get moving. Exercise in general does release feel good hormones, but I think the right kind of exercise does it quicker and you actually feel like you're having fun.

What's the right kind? For me it's dance related or Yoga; sometimes a good long walk. For you it may be running, or jumping on a mini-trampoline for ten minutes or vacuuming your floor. It's personal and I don't think you need to be a mom to need this kind of de-stressing. We all need it and it's healthy. So next time you're ready to just lose it in a nuclear fashion, try just doing your feel good exercise for even ten minutes, it'll change your mood and make you a lot healthier in the process.

From the wonderful, difficult, adventurous mommy trenches, I'll say "Good-bye" until next time.

Book # 8: "Moon Called"

2011-02-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

"Moon Called" by Patricia Briggs is an urban fantasy set in Eastern Washington; the Tri-Cities more specifically. It's about a shape shifter auto mechanic by the name of Mercy Thompson. She's friends with werewolves, fae and even a vampire. Not belonging to any of these supernatural groups, however, makes Mercy an outsider. When a werewolf without a pack shows up at her garage needing a meal and a job, Mercy is brought into a murder mystery where the killers are experimenting on werewolves.

Stories told from the first person narrative are usually hit or miss depending on the protagonist, but this book had a very well drawn one that I like. The mystery was engaging in the sense that it was difficult to determine who was doing what and why.

But, when introducing a new character the author caused the action to grind to a halt by giving a page to two pages of back story. There was a few points where I found myself skimming this back story in order to get back to the exciting part of the story the author had taken time out from.

When it seemed that the mystery had been explained and the heroes were trying to stop the antagonist, the real reasons for the antagonists actions come to light and it was, in a word, LAME. I wished it was the other explanation, not what the author actually came up with. To be honest it felt like she had written herself into a hole and then had to scramble to come up with a good explanation for it all.

I'm torn because Mercy Thompson is a very interesting character and I'd like to see where her storyline goes, but the author didn't impress me much. I'm hoping the next few are better, maybe the pauses for back story would be less and the mysteries a bit more complex but I don't know if I want to spend the money to find out.

Book #7: "Enchantment"

2011-02-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

"Enchantment" by Orson Scott Card is a modern day take on the "Sleeping Beauty" fairy tale. It draws on the oldest renditions of the fairy tales we know, mainly the stories from Russia. The main character Ivan was raised in Russia, to a Jewish mother and scholarly father who move to America in the mid eighties. Before they are able to fly to America, however, they stay at an idyllic farm where young Ivan finds a beautiful woman asleep in the middle of the forest.

Over the years, Ivan never forgers the woman, even when he's engaged to a young Jewish woman. He travels back to Russia to work on his dissertation which, interestingly enough, is about the root of where our modern day fairy tales come from. On a whim, he travels to the same farm where he stayed as a boy and on a run one day, he finds the same beautiful woman asleep in the forest.

He can't resist defeating the Bear that guards the woman and kissing her. Once he does, however, he's transported back to her time; sometime in the 900's AD. And the fairy tale begins to get dangerous as he and the Princess Katarina must fight the ultimate wicked witch: Baba Yaga.

This is the first Orson Scott Card book I've read, and I love the modern day magic aspect of the book, how magic can sometimes be around the corner. We'll see it if we're only looking for it. I loved the book from the first chapter, but felt it bogged down when Ivan was in Katerina's time. Ivan, being a modern day man, has no idea how to fight with a sword. Though he was an athlete his body wasn't developed with huge muscles like men in her time. His obvious lack of knowledge about the simplest manners and customs and the fact that he had no qualms about wrapping a woman's garment around himself to hide his nakedness at one point. All these things make Ivan seem to be weak and stupid by the standards of her time. And Katerina had no problem making him know it.

But when they travel to Ivan's time, it's Katerina's turn to be wide eyed and unsure, thus making her less the shrew she had been in her own time and more sympathetic to how Ivan must've felt. It was at this point that the story became interesting once again and I simply had to finish it.

I give the book a solid four stars. It's a creative take on classic fairy tales and an enjoyable read that I could simply curl up with. I really appreciated how Card was realistic with how a modern man would be perceived out of his own time, the things he'd have to deal with and the questions he'd have. The romance between Ivan and Katerina was developed slowly and deftly, and sometimes that can annoy me, but Card did it very well.

I'm not sure what I'll read next, but I think it will likely be something pretty mindless before tackling something like Austen or Frank Herbert.

Book #6: "A Little Bit Wicked"

2011-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

"A Little Bit Wicked" by Kristin Chenoweth is every bit as sassy, real and sweet as the actress herself.

It's not a tell all, more of a collection of stories about her life; the crossroads, the mistakes, the heartbreaks, the lessons and her faith in God.

For me it was the ease with which she talks about her faith that touched me the most. Being a Christ-follower in Hollywood can be dicey; either you're seen as too spiritual and no one wants to work with you or you're a hypocrite who's too loose with their morals. Though there was a low point when Ms. Chenoweth was blasted by Christians and Gays for her appearance on the 7oo Club, she never shoves her belief's in anyone's face. She's honest if someone asks, unashamed to admit what she believes. But at the same time confident enough to admit to what she doesn't know, to say she has questions and know that it's alright.

For the record, Kristin believes that homosexuals have just as much right to be Christ-followers as anyone else and no, being gay will not earn you an automatic "Go straight to Hell" card.

She talks some about her relationship with Aaron Sorkin, but it's a very small part of the book. Aaron contributes a few pages about how he fell in love with Kristin and in those few pages I felt like I'd read chapters on their few years together. They loved (love?) each other deeply, but they didn't want to spill all that out for everyone to see, and I admire that.

The book is full of folksy wisdom, a list of what she wants to ask God when she meets him and a recipe for a way too calorie laden pie that I might just have to make some day. To read this book is like sitting down for coffee with your favorite gal-pal or family member.

Her stories about the "West Wing" cast were great, though, again, a small part of the book. She has a way of making you feel like you know the people she talks about in a very few pages.

I love, love, loved this book and will be recommending it for everyone. It's a must read!
Next book....well, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so let's just say I'll tell you when I'm done with it!

"Krull"-WTF?

2011-02-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

My brother Robert recommend "Krull" to me as a movie that was so bad I HAD to see it.

He was right.

Painfully right.

The story makes no sense, first of all. Plots come out of the blue as if they wrote this script by throwing darts at possible plot threads. Seriously.

The Glave is potentially the most bad ass boomerang ever, but that can't save this movie.

The antagonist arrives from outer space in a ship that looks like a giant mountain of black rock, and it moves every sun up so no one is sure where the thing is gonna be next. The female protagonist is everything I've always hated about traditional Fantasy stories: she stands around, looks pretty/pouty, wears a flowing dress and hides during a fight. Pathetic!

Our hero smiles when tragic things have just happened, has hair is never mussed, wears tight pants but apparently no package (or at least none visible to the naked human eye) and has the ability to make hardened criminals happy to give up their lives of freedom to come with him on a doomed mission to rescue the helpless female...come to think of it, I don't think he ever told the poor saps exactly what they'd be doing.

There are some beautiful exterior shots, but the green screen is AWFUL; even for the time. When our intrepid band of heroes are in the monsters liar, one of them is wearing/has bells and is jingling the whole time; as if to say "Here we are!"; and as Dan added "And we're FABULOUS!"

Then, the hero loses the glave in the monster and then all of a sudden the hero and woman come up the belief that it's their love and marriage that is the real weapon....Uh, O-K. So, they hurriedly do the rest of the ceremony which entails taking magic fire from her hand and when the hero does that he can shoot fire from his hand...*Sigh*...*Head shake*

The monster is incinerated...very slowly... Seriously it takes like half a dozen or more shots from the hero's hands to kill the monster. Whatever.

The mountain collapses...up. Yeah, as it's falling apart it actually falls up to the sky. After the black rock is gone, red, chunky parts of the land also go up to the sky. It looked like the land was throwing up...yuck.

What's left of the band of heroes watch in awe and then start joking and laughing as if half their friends didn't just die painful, awful deaths in the mountain that fell up into the sky and made the land throw up.

Ok, well, at least I can say I saw it.

Book #5: "Foundation" by Isaac Asimov

2011-02-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

My fifth 2011 book is a classic of Sci-Fi literature and admittedly the first straight Sci-Fi I've ever read. "Foundation" by Isaac Asimov is considered a novel that reinvented Sci-Fi books and storytelling for the genre.

However, as far as story goes it was incredibly dry. It's written in four parts, each part able to stand alone as a short story if necessary. It tells the story of how society can survive after the collapse of a huge Galactic Empire. The collapse having been foreseen by a brilliant mathematician named Harry Seldon, who then sets up events to go in a prescribed way in order to shorten the time of instability and chaos that follows the collapse of a huge governing body. Each main character of each part try to determine the course of action that Seldon laid out. Of course to preserve the path he saw and introduce as few variables into the mix as possible, Seldon doesn't tell what the right course of action is, only that it will be a series of crises that will have only one possible solution.

The MC's are dry, and all variations on the same character. The only female character is a bitchy, cold wife who does nothing to further of the plot.

All in all, it's like reading a study of the sociological, psychological, economical ways a society deals with the collapse of one government and the building of another. Reading it, I can see examples from history in the situations Asimov uses to tell the story, making think he believed history was cyclical.

All in all, I'm glad I read it because it's kinda like reading Austen or Dickens: you really should partly to say you have and partly because they are works of art; doesn't mean you always like the work of art but at least you can appreciate it to some degree. But it was boring with a capital B and I probably won't read any more Asimov.

My next book is "Enchantment" by Orson Scott Card

Book #4: "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp

2011-01-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

Yay! Four books down!

This one took me a while to read, but only because I really wanted to soak it up. Dan and I read and used the advice in "Happiest Baby on the Block" and it really helped Rosalind during her first few months.

"Happiest Toddler on the Block" is for parents of children one year to four years old. Dr. Karp's methods of preventing and eliminating tantrums may seem, at first glance, to be a bit on the "hippy" side, but after using some of his techniques with Rosalind I can tell you that after repeated use, they really do work.

It was interesting to learn that when anyone (including toddlers) get really angry our logical side of the brain shuts down and the emotional side hijacks everything. With toddlers, who seem to have a shorter fuse that their parents, this is very true. They don't absorb long sentences, full of logical reasons why they can't have their favorite toy at the dinner table. All they hear is you not understanding what they're trying to communicate.

One of the key components of Dr. Karps technique is to connect with respect and speak "Toddler-ese"; short almost caveman like sentences. For example: "You're mad! Mad, Mad, Mad! You want! Want Minnie. Want Minnie now!" By saying the emotion you see on your toddlers face and using short sentences you let them know that you understand. Combine this with also using somewhat exaggerated facial expressions and hand motions and you can successfully communicate to a child with little verbal skill that you understand what she/he is trying to say.

When this is accomplished, I can tell you from experience that the child will calm a bit or altogether. It's then you can offer an alternative, a distraction, you can try and say "No, mommy says not now. Later.", offer a compromise "Five more minutes with Minnie and then it's dinner time". Anything like that.

The more you do it the better it gets. Rosalind really responds to it, though sometimes it takes several minutes of doing this to really reach her.

Then there's things like "Feeding the meter" which is focused play time of five minutes throughout the day, "gossiping" where you tell her toys in front of her how good she was at lunch or in the bath, giving her choices. Now this one is really neat. We started doing it with Rosalind with food. We give her a choice between two things when she wants more to eat and she loves it! It makes her far more cooperative at meals because she feels like she has some sense of power over her life.

Now, if Rosalind is doing something dangerous or breaking an important family rule, there are immediate things that are done, followed by connecting with respect. The rule here isn't to let the child run rough-shod over me as a parent. The idea is to let her know that her feelings matter to me, that I respect her and that she should do the same. So, when I'm really upset, or she does something dangerous, I get to speak first: "No! Danger! Stop!" and then when she's safe: "That makes mommy very scared and mad when you do that." It works when she's being really disobedient too: "You make mommy very mad when you won't listen. Mommy mad." It helps teach a child to take others' feelings into account; maybe not right away at one year old, but eventually, after repeated use.

There is a ton more in the book. Advice for practically every scenario imaginable, and advice particular to different temperaments. If you have a child between the ages of one and four, or have a child approaching their first birthday, I highly recommend this book. I will be returning to it again and again as Rosalind gets older.

I may not use everything in this book, but I'm trying a lot of it and liking it. As I said, it doesn't undermine my authority as a parent, but instead helps me communicate boundaries to Rosalind and starts to build the foundation of a loving and trusting relationship with her.

I give it four stars.

Next book is "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napthali

Book #3: "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" By Stieg Larsson

2011-01-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

I do not know how to feel about this book. At one point I was convinced I would only give it two stars; at another point I wanted to give it five. Now...I may have to settle for three.

I do not read many mysteries, they tend to bore me. But "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson had made such a huge stir in the book community I had to read it.

The first 200 pages of this book was more exposition than anything else. The tone was very much like a detective in an emotionless voice relating events. We're introduced to most of the major and some of the minor players. And the information that's related seems unconnected. It was the curiosity of how in the world these disparate things fit together that kept me reading. That and I'm a stubborn reader.

At about page 200 things exploded. The book suddenly became an addiction. No, a NEED. I had to keep reading, I looked for any moment to turn on my nook and read at least a page. I read about 150 pages in two days.

Once the mystery was solved, however, I still had about a hundred pages left of the book. What was left?

Well, here's where the star rating drops.

Remember how many people felt that the movie "Return of the King" was the movie that wouldn't end? Well, this was the book that would never end. I'm trying very hard not to spoil anything, but there's a sub plot that they take the last hundred or so pages to resolve. It's a great resolution, but it takes far too long to get there.

The two main characters are complete opposites. Kalle Bloomkvist and Lisbeth Salander. Of the two, Salander is the most interesting and is the girl from the title. She's got lots of secrets, and I have a feeling only a few are revealed in the book. Salander is one of the most interesting female protagonists I've read in a long time.

Bloomkvist is a financial journalist who's hired to solve the 50 yr mystery of a missing girl. It was very creative and organic when the two finally met and started working together; but it was frustrating that it took as long as it did to get them into the same scene. The book ended by leaving the relationship between these two in an annoying cliffhanger.

It's a dark book, and there were times I put it down because there was a definite creepy factor. But if you read mysteries and thrillers this is something you're probably used to.

All in all, would I recommend this book? Yeah I would. Especially if you like this genre. I am tempted to read the next book because I have to know what happens to Salander, but I need a break and will be reading the first in the Foundation series next.

Book #3 down, 47 left! It's a good start to the goal!

2011 Book #2: "Honeymoon in Tehran"

2011-01-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm counting books I complete in 2011 as going towards my list, so even if I start a book in 2011 but don't finish it until 2012, it doesn't count.

"Honeymoon in Tehran" by Azadeh Moaveni is the followup to her first memoir "Lipstick Jihad", a memoir about Iran and a young female journalists search for her culture, faith and a place to call home. In the first memoir she was forced from Iran due to the Bush administration grouping Iran into the "axis of evil", it made it impossible for an American journalist to do her job properly.

At the beginning of "Honeymoon" she's living in Cairo, and flies occasionally into Iran to investigate stories for "Time" magazine. She's asked to cover the election in which Ahmadinejad was elected. She describes the shock of everyone on his election, the supreme underdog that no one knew anything about.

Prior to the election, the women were still required to wear chador, but women were allowed vibrant colors and designer scarves. The government "tolerated a grassroots women's movement of considerable vigor..a society with 90% female literacy, whose women received 60% of the college degrees awarded each year."

Surprising when we view Iran as one of the countries that are so oppressive to women; not that I'm saying they're perfect, especially now.

Post Ahmadinejad, most of the "freedoms" that the more moderate presidents of years past allowed or turned a blind eye toward have been taken away. Over the course of a few days in 2007, 150,000 women were arrested for improper dress. From 2006 through the present authorities will randomly kick down peoples satellite dishes, and round up their pet dogs because they are "unclean". These are just a few of the things that Ms. Moaveni discusses in her book.

It's a lot like her first book in the sense that she exposes some misconceptions about the Iranian people as a whole; mainly that the majority are not fundamentalist Muslims that want to kill all Americans but instead people that are not that different from you and me. They try to provide better lives for their children than the ones they have had, they want to get married, have children, successful careers, access to the arts, to trashy TV. If you wonder why these people stay, the answers range from the inability to afford moving, to the frustration that they shouldn't have to leave the country to make good lives for themselves. Believe it or not, people love this place, they've built lives here and it's heartbreaking for them that their government makes it so difficult to live in a place they love.

It's this that Moaveni shows with such candor and sensitivity. She loves her family and friends in Iran, she loves Iran even; the country of haunting Persian poetry, citrus scented orchards, beautiful mountain ranges, people of humor and charm who love and accept her. You can feel her sadness as she has to realize that all these things can't overcome the daily humiliation and restrictions of the theocracy of Iran.

As the title implies, she marries a man whom she meets in Iran who, like her, was raised outside of Iran after the revolution of 1979. He shares much of her frustration but none of her romanticized acceptance of Islam, which she learned at the knee of her grandmother in the sunny suburbs of Southern California.

I learned much about the society of Iran through her troubles acquiring a simple marriage license after she and her soon to be husband found themselves expecting a baby. She was terrified the morality police would find out she was unwed and beat her until she either died or miscarried or both. Once they were married and the baby was born a whole new set of problems showed themselves, such as proper vaccines, not being able to take her son out for a walk due to the pollution, parks that were over run with "hoodlums" and the nagging question of how to raise a free thinking young man in a country that more than frowned upon it.

This book was an eye opener, just as much as the first one and I recommend everyone read it. The information is sound, much more than you'd find almost any media outlet (especially Fox news). In this day and age, where the Middle East is so important and yet only partial truths are offered in our media, I believe the point of view of someone who's lived there among it's people, had contact with politicians, mullahs, scholars, musicians and reformers is invaluable to us.

The sexy and the not so sexy.

2011-01-07T21:25:00.001-08:00

So it's been a while since my last post, mainly because Rosalind's two top front teeth took TWO MONTHS to breath through and so Dan and I have spent the last two months not sleeping...Oh yeah, did I mention the stomach flu she also got at the end of the teething extravaganza?

And oh, before I forget, two weeks after she FINALLY started sleeping again, her "eye" teeth decided to start coming in.

I've discovered that sleep deprivation isn't good for a marriage, or for trying to edit a final cut of a book, or for trying to work out four times a week, or for...anything.

I have been reading, however, you know, in my somewhat coherent times. I just finished "Guilty Pleasures" by Laurell K. Hamilton and I was not impressed.

First of all, I figured out the mystery half way through the book and was thoroughly annoyed by Anita Blake's inability to figure out what was relatively easy to see. Plus, I heard so much about how sexy the series was, but was disappointed to discover that in the first book there was NO sex. Now, usually it's not a big deal for me, but when you're in the mood for some sexy Vampire slaying action with a mystery twist and there's no sex, and little mystery it's a keen disappointment.

However, the BEST erotic book I've read thus far was "Everything Forbidden". It wasn't written porn, it had a truly interesting love story. The sex was integral to the story and STEAMY. Though short, the story developed quickly and the main characters became endearing and real very fast. I highly recommend it.

Before I sign off, I wanted to let you all in on one of my New Years' goals:

50 books in a year:
*3 of them classic Sci-Fi; I've decided on "Dune", the first of Asimov's "Foundation" series, and "Stranger in a Strange Land", I may add an anthology of Bradbury shorts.
*2 of them classics: "Northanger Abbey" and either "Wuthering Heights" or "The Picture of Dorian Grey"

That leaves 45 books, and I'll go ahead and count "Guilty Pleasures" as one since I finished it in 2011 and I'm about to start "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo".
Any suggestions on the other 43?

The Grilled "cheesus" and why I cried

2010-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the new episode of "Glee" and I was so very touched.

Now, I realize that this show is, at it's core, a sweet musical about what it means to be a teen. But every once in a while they do a show that is touching and makes me think, last nights was one of these.

At the beginning Finn makes a grilled cheese sandwich that has an image of Jesus on it and he immediately thinks he should start praying to it. Ok, I realize how incredibly eye rolling and silly this sounds, and I was laughing with it as well. But then the show turned, and suddenly Kurt's dad was in a coma and the questions about faith become touching and real.
Finn's grilled "cheesus" becomes the catalyst for asking the big questions about faith and life, and we see him and some of the others groping for faith in a world that doesn't make sense and is scary.

At one point some of the Glee kids want to pray for Kurts dad. But after being told by religious people that because he's gay that means he's evil and unwanted by God, Kurt doesn't want their prayers or anything having to do with God.

This is where I began to cry.

There was a lot more to the show, and I've included a link to Hulu so that you can watch it in case you're curious; which in spite of some of the spoilers I've included here I think you should.
I cried, I think, because I'm heartbroken by how exclusive Christianity has become.
The faith that said "Come to me ALL you who are weary or brokenhearted and I will give you rest." Now says "No, we don't want you because you're ______."

Some may think the idea of the grilled "cheesus" is really not appropriate, but let's think about this for a minute. What it did was help this character grope toward answers to his faith, even as it raised more questions. Everyone's journey to faith is different, who are we to judge what their journey looks like just because it doesn't appear like we think it should. If it brings people to faith, if it helps them answer questions then what harm is it?

There were other parts of the show that really touched me. One was Jane Lynch's character, the scene where she tells the guidance counselor Emma when she lost her faith and why, and the later scene where she's talking about that with her sister. I don't want to ruin it for you, you really should see it, but the scene with her sister made me cry the hardest. There was something so honest and touching that broke my heart because the people who question, and doubt, the ones that don't look like everyone else, or think like everyone else, they are the one's that are shunned and shut out.

It absolutely kills me that this is the reality of the Church in this country. And again, don't get me wrong, I know that there are many Christ-followers who arent' like this so I'm not trying to say absolutely everyone, but it feels like it sometimes.

God's love didn't discriminate when Jesus was here, and it shouldn't now either.

At the end of the show, it didn't seem that there were any solid answers. It didn't end with a nice little bow around it, and some of the characters are still groping for faith. I appreciated that, actually, because that's the journey of faith. It never stops and that's ok, that's life.

Book of the Week: "Mists of Avalon"

2010-10-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

I originally read "Mists of Avalon" in High School, and I know I didn't quite get the deep layers of the story.

Yes, it's another Arthurian story, but it's told in a way that I'm not sure any other author has tried to tackle, and certainly no other has accomplished what Marion Zimmer Bradley has.

The Arthurian story is told through the eyes of the women of the legend: Igraine, Morgaine, Morgause, Gwenhyfar, Vivianne, Nimue, Elaine. It turns the conventions of the legend on their ear. Traditionally Morgaine and Morgause are one and the same. In this story they are two different characters; niece and aunt. Morgause is self-seeking, ruthless and, some might say, over sexed. But Morgaine is really the heroine of the story, the woman upon whom all things hinge and change and turn.

Gwenhyfar is a bit two dimensional and annoying, a true Christian zealot who only at the last moment realizes, even a little, where she's been wrong and because of that is able to be selfless.

Igraine is one of the more fascinating characters although at the end of her "life" in the book she becomes a cardboard cut out. Her love affair with Uther has a different spin on it, and there's a really beautiful and interesting scene where Igraine is remembering a past life with Uther and who they were to each other and the world around them. After Igraine and Uther are married, however, it feels as if Igraine regresses and all the dimension she had is suddenly gone.

The book is very long and in some ways the construction of the book is odd in that the author repeats information almost verbatim in two different scenes. There is sex in the book, but not overly descriptive or pornographic. The interesting twist is that where other tellings of the legend hint shyly at a homosexual attraction between Arthur and Lancelet, this book lets it be there. It doesn't beat us over the head with it, nor does it have them being lovers in the conventional sense, but it doesn't hide it either.

Though I have issues with her construction of the novel, it is written very well, and beautifully. Knowing the legend as well as I do, I would cringe when Morgaine, for example, would hope for the future or plan for a better tomorrow. And even though I know how the story ends for the most part, I found myself unable to stop reading at points. It's poignant and beautiful, the painfully exquisite faith and world of the Druids infusing the story with the mystery, charm and beauty of the Mists.

It certainly paints Christians with a one color brush, though. All Christians are portrayed only as intolerant and repressive of women. Though this is, unfortunately, a very true aspect of modern day and historical Christianity, not all Christians are like this and I would have liked at least a few Christian characters that had more tolerance and love and respect for women than what she had.

The book has very feminist undertones, but I didn't find it preachy at all. I actually found myself yearning to discover the rich history I have as a woman. The book does not portray women as better than men. Instead it celebrates our differences and tries to point out how our differences, when put together, form a mighty unit.

At the end of the book the Druid faith has faded into the mists, and seems to be no more. But the author gives us a little hope. As Morgaine visits a convent, she sees the shrine and chapel devoted to the Virgin Mary and Saint Bridget and realizes that though the old ways of worshiping the Goddess are gone for good, She still exists and will always exist.

This is beautiful to me in that the old sparks of faith that set our ancestors on their paths to discover the Creator, the ultimate Being are still alive today, they just look different. Our faith will evolve, and sometimes it will be ugly and destructive, but always the spark of beauty, peace and truth that was before will remain somehow, we just have to be open to it.

Am I saying I now believe in a Goddess as opposed to God? No, but I have often wondered, and still wonder, if relegating God to being a Man isn't limiting a being that is inherently infinite. Couldn't God be both male and female? In the act of creation, isn't there the need for both the feminine and the masculine? Perhaps I will never know for sure until I see God face to face, and I'm kind of at peace with that.

The book was great, in spite of the parts I didn't like. I recommend this book to anyone, especially authors of fantasy. Just make sure you're ready for a potentially long stretch of reading this.

Book of the Week: Dirty, Sexy Politics

2010-09-23T11:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, so let me preface this by saying I am not a Republican, neither in the more traditional small government sense nor in the current sense. I decided to read this book because Meghan McCain appeared on Rachel Maddow one night and my curiosity was piqued when I heard her say that she was in favor of gay marriage and the repeal of don't-ask-don't-tell.

The other reason would be that my family is pretty conservative and in the past few months we've clashed on many current issues. Although I know that in order to better understand where my family is coming from I'd need to read and/or watch more of a certain person who shall remain nameless...Let's call him George, for the sake of ease. I don't really like George at all, and have tried to watch George's show but find it makes me very mad.

So, I figured, here's a woman whose father was the man my parent's voted for in the election, she's conservative, though she may differ from them on a few issues, and I found that as I was listening to her talk on Maddow that she was fairly intelligent; so I though she'd be one I could read and maybe be able to better understand where my family is coming from.

Also, it's just really good to every once in a while read something from a point of view that is different than how you would normally think.

So, with all this running through my head, I downloaded Meghan McCain's memoir of the 2008 Presidential campaign onto my Nook and began to read.

In the very first chapter I learned something new about the Republican party. Now in my limited experience with politics, I always heard the Republicans have a very conservative Christian POV about things; specifically homosexuals, abortion and sex education. But, the more traditional, Ronald Reagan type Republican is quite different. Traditionally (and may I say the really true definition of) Republicans are for small government, meaning the less the government regulates and gets into our lives the more our lives can be lived with the freedom America stands for. This means that a tried and true Republican wouldn't try and regulate marriage, abortion rights, etc. because it would infringe upon the belief that government should stay out of your private life. This is the type of Republican Meghan McCain professes to be. Although I do not agree with small government in a general sense, it was nice to finally understand a very small glimpse of why someone might be a Republican because to be honest I couldn't get past all the hate mongering that's going on in the party.

The book has a nice flow to it and is a pretty easy read. Meghan is likeable enough, and you can even cringe and laugh with her as she makes one gaffe after another. My favorite story is when she and her mother went to have lunch with Laura Bush at the White House but it's too long to go into so you'll just have to either buy the book or get it from the Library.

Where it got annoying was the constant talk about how wonderful a man her father is and how he ran such a great campaign with little character assassination, and how he's just so wonderful, and how he's the greatest guy ever...on and on and on. I mean, I do get it; if my dad was running for President I'd gush too, but it was just a little too much. Especially since she talks about how the press was too liberal and too hard on her dad and how he ran such an upstanding campaign and never got into the mud...Yeah, I remember things VERY differently, but then again, John McCain isn't my dad; so I guess I can cut her a little slack.

The end of the book is the point of the book and that is that the Republican party needs to WAKE UP so that they aren't torn apart and crushed by an increasingly marginalizing message. She says, and I agree, that they are forcing moderates within the party to go elsewhere for leadership, relying on a small group of people that speak the loudest and have views that go beyond conservative, and way beyond true Republicanism. Though I'm not a Republican, I think the party does need to listen because what they are doing is damaging and will continue to be damaging to our country. This hate of others because they have a different opinion, different sexuality, different whatever is just awful and it's tearing apart our country. They can blame Democrats all they want, but they are the ones shouting the loudest. The new Republican party goes by names such as Tea Party, Libertarian, Constitutionalist, but they are all under and with the support of the Republican party. And they are causing division and hate. And I am constantly shocked that they profess to be for Liberty and what the founding fathers stood for, but their actions and message are so opposite of all that.

So, what did I think of the book? I liked it, though I don't agree with half of what she said. She's interesting and I'll be interested to see what she does in the coming years. And I hope the Republican party can someday hear her and others like her.

Next week I'll be reviewing "Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley. Talk about a change of gears, huh?

Book of the Week: "The Female Brain"

2010-09-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

I decided to do a weekly segment called "Book of the week". I'm usually reading two or three books at once, even with a seven month old crawling around and I wanted to share the one that I either finish this week or that has really made me think. So here goes....

"The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, MD is a fascinating read. I bought it soon after Rosalind was born because I wanted to better understand her and myself as a new mother. The author is the founder of the Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone clinic as well as having done years of research on the difference between women's and men's brains. The book comes complete with a sketch of a woman's brain and a chart showing the different stages of a woman's life, what her hormones and brain are going through.

Dr. Brizendine admits that some women are afraid of talking about the differences between men and women's brains because they consider it necessary that no differences between men and women are seen in order for there to be equality. But her point of view, and I have to say I agree, is that if we understand our differences it helps science and medicine better now how to treat our illnesses and needs as women. Dr. Brizendine makes it very clear that this book isn't to say that we as women are imprisoned into one way of being, but that understanding how we are made can help us either accept certain things about ourselves or help us know how to change things about ourselves. "If we acknowledge that our biology is influenced by other factors, including our sex hormones and their flux, we can prevent it from creating a fixed reality by which we are ruled."

It shocked me to learn that as recently as the 1990's very little research had been done in the differences of male and female brains. The author admits that there is still so much they don't know about how a woman's brain functions, and that more extensive research must be done. One area that there is ever changing opinion about is Hormone Replacement Therapy for menopausal women. Apparently until about mid twentieth century, most women weren't living long enough to go through a full blown menopause. Now science must run to catch up with our longevity and the now obvious need for studying a woman's physiology to help prevent diseases and disorders that seem to target women more frequently than men.

I won't go into all the scientific speak; which Dr. Brizendine doesn't dumb down but neither does she write it like a college textbook, but basically our brains and how they interact with our unique hormone cocktail is what makes us women. It's what makes us process information differently, what makes us fight with our significant others and family members differently than men, what makes us need to talk so much, why we have a tendency to gravitate toward the guys or girls that we can "fix up" or the classic brooding male, why we seem to work so hard to avoid conflict (whether by pleasing people or being passive aggressive) and so many other things that seem to make the stereotypical female.

I could finally see why I may remember things Dan said months ago that hurt me, specific things, and he may only remember the highlights. Why I am so affected by the facial expressions of those around me, when most men I know don't really notice. And why I may stress out about things Dan doesn't and that it affects me differently than him.

It was also fascinating to read about how Rosalind, as a girl, would develop differently than her male cousins; not better or less, but differently. For instance "Over the first three months of life, a baby girl's skills in eye contact and mutual facial gazing will increase by over 400%, whereas facial gazing skills in boys during this time will not increase at all." She goes on to explain that baby girls are born with a curiousity and need to connect through emotional expression. They will also learn to speak quicker than boys because their need to communicate is ingrained in how their brain has developed in the womb.

Dr. Brizendine goes through every single stage in our lives as women and how our brains change and grow. I wish I could list all the amazing things I learned, but I'll let you read for yourselves. And I'm gonna see if Dan will read it as well, with two females in the house, it may be good for him to know what he's got and gonna get!

If you are a woman, love a woman, have a young girl or teen in the house I strongly suggest reading this book. The link in this post will take you to Dr. Brizendine's site where you can order the book.

Next week's segment will be about Meghan McCain's memoir of her fathers' presidential campaign "Dirty, Sexy Politics" Surprised I'm reading a book by a Republican? Me too.

And please feel free to share books that have impacted you or you have enjoyed, I'd love to hear from my few but faithful readers.

Authentic Desire

2010-08-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being oneself is hard; really, really hard.
There can be outside obstacles, people or circumstances that make us feel that we just can't be who we are, or who we are isn't good enough.
I've been struggling with this over the last few months.
It's been a long road to like myself, and I finally felt like I'd arrived; at least as much as any of us can. And then the challenges started rearing their ugly heads.
I've felt like I've needed to hide who I am; the opinions I try to voice kindly, the love I have, the excitement I have about things I learn, the struggle and triumphs of living a creative life, etc.
But I just can't anymore.
I'm tired of doubting myself.
Of feeling that I need to bottle myself up in order to be accepted.
I won't go into where exactly I'm feeling that, it's far too personal and I'd rather not hurt those that have made me feel this way; I love them far too much to air it in this public arena. Needless to say, I know a conversation is coming; and I wish it wasn't needed.
Will they accept me?
I don't know.
Isn't that an awful feeling?
But I need to be ME.
I'm not so bad really. I've got beauty in me. My talents are beautiful.
My ability to mother and be a wife, friend, daughter, sister is beautiful.
Me, myself, all the dark and light parts of my soul are beautiful.
God has deemed it so.
I accept His/Her judgment.
I'm so tired of hiding. I don't have to hide everywhere, just certain places. But those are some of the hardest to hide and I'm angry because I shouldn't have to hide in this place (sorry for the cryptic)!
I'm hurt, because I desire so badly to be known in this particular place, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I can't change them, only myself.
So, I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna be rude or mean or anything like that either. But I'm gonna be me.
And try to learn how to live and love even if they never know or accept the real me.

Timing is everything

2010-08-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

My first performance since Rosalind's been born will be tomorrow night for the "Eat my shorts" festival of short plays at the Open Circle (in case you'd like to attend).
What I'm discovering, however, is that I'm a little...well...frustrated with returning to acting. I've had no time to edit my book, and I'm really excited to do it; if you can believe I'm excited about editing. But for the first time a professional in the publishing business has been excited about the book and I have to trim the word count before sending it to her. So, I feel close to getting an agent at the very least but haven't had the time between my day job and getting ready for the play to do any editing.
Dan and I talked it over last night and he helped me find some clarity.
I do not believe I should give up acting, I love it far too much. But I think the timing was off a little to return to it. I'm going to finish the two other ten minute plays I'm cast in; which go up in October, and then take several months off to finish editing and send it out.
By the time TPS auditions come about I'm hoping to have the book finally and truly finished (at least until an editor gets a look at it!)
I've had a lot of questions in my head about doing both acting and writing. It's gonna be a challenge, but every time I think of choosing one or the other I get a stubborn jolt in the pit of my belly and I just can't. Some might call me stupid, they may caution that I will miss too much of Rosalind's life doing both and having a husband, etc. But I don't think so.
I can do this.
It will be hard, that's for sure, there will be challenges. But I have a wonderful husband who will help me, and I will help him. I'm very excited for him to pick up directing and possibly acting again in the future. For now he's content to develop and perhaps begin to do some creative producing; and I will support him as much as possible in that.
We never know until we try...until we really, with all our heart and soul try. There are limitations, but I guess I don't want to know the ceiling until I've smashed my head into it.

A better relationship

2010-08-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

So, losing the baby weight is hard! It took me several months to rethink eating in general, including portion size and the fact that no, I shouldn't have heavy carbs in every meal. ( I got really used to eating mac 'n' cheese, brownies, frozen yogurt and PB & J sandwiches on whole wheat)
Now it's still not easy, but I tend to only do "bad" eating when I'm in serious need of comfort food.
Like tonight for instance.
I controlled myself all day, even going for a walk though I had bad...girlie pain (enough said). But tonight nothing would do except a corned beef sandwich from Geraldine's Counter. This is possibly the ultimate comfort sandwich (at least for me): Beef Brisket thin sliced, gruyere cheese, on fresh baked rye bread with an interesting sauce (I also put spicy mustard on it if I get it to-go). I get it with a green salad, because I need to assuage my guilt somehow.
(Geraldine's Counter also has the BEST biscuits I've ever had, except for my mom and grandmothers; I mean these things are a meal unto themselves and I would crave them non-stop when I was preggers.)
I try to give myself some breathing room, realizing that losing this baby weight could take a little while. I've done pretty good, and am closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels sooooo slow! I want to get back there soon, but I'm trying to give myself room to splurge when needed.
But I gotta say I'm impatient.
I've always had a complicated relationship with food, and I really want to change that before Rosalind is old enough to understand why mommy worries over the calories in a can of non-fat refried beans. I want her to have a better relationship with her body and with food and health than I have.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did the best she could to instill a love for my body and understanding of how to eat healthy, etc. It's just as the years have gone on, it's become more and more difficult to accept healthy as good looking; do you know what I mean?
I want to be healthy, not ubber thin, not "Hollywood" thin, but healthy. I want to have the proper respect for food and exercise so that Rosalind can learn by my example.
I want to do this for me and my daughter. And it's been hard.
Reprograming always is. But I'm trying every day to look at what I'm eating as "What is healthy?", not "What will get me down to a size six?"
I'm sure I have room for improvement (after all, chocolate doesn't have it's own place on the food pyramid), but I also need to let myself screw up. Slow and steady isn't so bad.
So, ok, here I go. I'll start over tomorrow, tonight was a cheat night.

I'm Baaaack!

2010-08-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

O-K!
So quick catch up for those of you who thought I dropped off the face of the earth:
Rosalind arrived January 27th, just over 7lbs and is wonderful! She's now 6 mo's old, and gorgeous! She's cutting her first tooth right now, and is fighting a cough, stuffed up nose and not being able to sleep as well as she had before all this happened; and therefore Dan and I aren't sleeping either. But we're getting through it.
I've decided to restart my blog because:
1-I loved it so much and I like "listening" to myself talk (what actor doesn't?)

2-I'm doing "final" (ha,ha) edits on my novel and am ramping up my platform so I can have a leg up when it comes time to market the book (I'm just gonna assume someone's gonna want to publish it because ladies and gents it is FABULOUS!)

Sooo, here we go!
I have a website in construction mode right now, so I won't be putting the link until it's a little more developed, but it will be for both acting and writing.
I'm in three 10 minute plays and will be posting the dates, times and location in FB, Twitter and here. (Yes, I caved and got Facebook and Twitter...gosh I'm a media whore! LOL) So please come and see them!
And yes, all that with a 6 month old...can u say caffeine is my best friend EVER?!

Stay tuned for more on my book, the plays and our adventures with our little Rosalind.

2009-10-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot to do between getting the baby's room ready, working, trying to revise my book before the baby comes and just being tired a lot.
For those of you who don't know: We're having a girl! Her name is Rosalind Lorraine. We couldn't be happier.
I couldn't wait until the fall, not just because the colors here in the Northwest are so vibrant and the air is so crisp,but because the second trimester is supposed to be great. For the most part it has been. Fewer emotional troubles, though I still have times of crying over the smallest thing. For example, the commercials for "Where the Wild Things Are", I cry every time I've seen it because I just know he has to leave those "monsters" and all I can think is how terrible that is!
Dan just looks at me and smiles, shakes his head, kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me. I don't think he really knows what else to do in those moments; and that's ok. I really don't know what I want him to do.
I'm also getting really anxious about the house being tidy. I wouldn't say full blown nesting, but if the kitchen table gets a little cluttered I start to get ansy; stuff like that.
It was hard to remember during the first trimester that thsi was such a miraculous blessing. But now it's easier. I can't help looking at my belly and smiling. I just had begun to assume I'd never see this. Never feel a baby kicking inside of me. Her movements are actually pretty amazing.
There's the fluttering; which I wonder if it's hiccups or if she's flipping around or what. There's the constant pressure feeling, which I think is her stretching. And then there's your typical kick. The kick is all over the place, but it seems that Rosalind can't get enough of hitting my bladder. I think she thinks it's either a plaything or it's just downright funny to make mom wince and beg her to move.
It's never been difficult for the Dr. to find her heart beat, which I am so grateful for. When we did the ultrasound, it was amazing to see her. A perfect profile was what we were blessed with. We could see her nose, lips, chin, forehead, her hand and fingers. I cried the whole time, especially when the technician told us it was a girl. We both cried pretty good at that point.
I'm trying to savor every day. To talk to her when she's moving, we both try and read to her and Dan still sings to my belly.
Rosalind kicks for him sometimes, but I wonder if when Dan talks to her she doesn't get calm because her movements stop. I kinda like that, as if her daddy's voice makes her peaceful.
I get nervous and scared sometimes, thinking of being Mommy. And sometimes I get weepy. And sometimes I get excited. I'm pretty sure this is normal. Who doesn't feel a little "Oh My God!" when you think of being responsible for a helpless, beautiful, amazing baby.
It makes me smile, though, to think of being Mommy. That she'll come to me (or Dan of course) when she's hurt, or needs a hug, or approval, or advice or any plethora of things. I'll know what she's saying when others don't. I'll be able to comfort her when others can't.
I'm amazed that we've been given this little gift. I can't wait to hold her... that's just...I want it so bad but being pregnant is pretty amazing too. And I'm loving it!

The lessons never stop

2009-07-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

I know I don't write very often, it's mainly because my brain power is severely limited at this point. But next week is week 12 in my pregnancy, the end of the first trimester and I wanted to write something to mark it.
It's been far too easy to forget why I'm feeling so crappy the last few months: a baby grows inside of me. We have the ultrasound pics on the fridge, and today I purposefully looked at the picture and then thought about the little belly that is constantly taking all the food I eat, the little hands waving back and forth, the feet kicking already. I'm amazed to learn that teeth buds are forming, and tiny nails are starting to grow on it's tiny fingers and toes. It helps to be reminded of this, it makes it worth it, truly.
The euphoria when we first found out has faded a little in the face of stress of trying to do things when I'm tired and not feeling good and Dan having to fill in the gaps in our house. And, shockingly (ha, ha), stress and worry did not disappear with pregnancy. I mean we're very happy that we no longer have the heartache of wondering if we will ever have a child, that is a relief, and even as I write it I have to smile. The miracle of it, the absolute "Wow! Really?!" is still there when I remember the struggle the last three years has been.
But, there are still things that we must trust God for, and I won't get too specific. I will say it was humbling and a slam back down to earth to realize that trusting is far from over for us. I guess we thought we'd get a little reprieve from the "Oh my God how do we handle...?"
I had my doubts when we got pregnant if I really learned how to trust the way I was 'supposed' to. But it's not about that really. Trials and struggles, which are a daily part of just being alive, are about learning how to be stronger, humbler, more trusting and whole bunch of other things I've yet to learn/master. I'm not perfect with any of this, and I would bet there were times I could have done better during our struggle with infertility. But that doesn't mean God is disappointed, or that I didn't learn anything. I did.
Is it hard to remember those lessons? Oh yeah!
Am I trying? OH YEAH!
It's a lifetime thing. I don't think any of us learn how to handle suffering, trials, fears, etc. perfectly, but we try to do it well, with integrity, trust, humility and courage.
I really can't wait to feel little Tigger kick, or move. That's the next milestone I'm looking forward to. Well, besides fitting into maternity clothes better so that clothes aren't too tight or too loose. (Sigh) And to think, before I got pregnant, I lost enough weight to fit into size 6 skinny jeans....Well, that will be a good goal post partum, huh?

I don't need beans to pass gas.

2009-07-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

I never knew that it could be so hard to figure out if I'm just gassy or hungry. But lately it has been. One morning last week I had the evil pregnancy triumvirate of nausea, constipation and gas...all at the same time. Yeah, no one told me that was possible when I was reading about pregnancy all these years.
The nausea is finally starting to abate, though the need to eat every two or three hours, the gas, bloating and epic belches still are around and I'm not sure they're leaving any time soon. Speaking of belches, I haven't burped like this in a good twelve years! Seriously! I think I could scare a large, predatory animal sometimes with the length, depth and volume of these suckers. But man do they feel good! I've had moments of tearing up, lamenting that I'm so unfeminine and sexy right now. Dan just rolls his eyes and tells me that's rubbish, then he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that a lot lately. He's been a life saver. He's picked up some of the cleaning chores I normally do, made dinner a lot, even made special trips to the store for me. Yes, I have the bestest husband ever!
I have had a few instances of the dreaded Psycho-Pregnant woman, but not nuclear. It's mostly when I'm driving. For some reason the complete stupidity of the drivers where I live can turn me from a smiling, belching mom to be into a yelling, cursing lunatic. I'm told this is normal. That makes me feel better.
Right now, Tigger (that's our in-uterine name for the baby right now) moves around in the uterus, even though I can't feel him/her, and it's getting finger and toe nails. My uterus has gone from the size of pear to a grapefruit; no wonder I feel bloated/fat all the time now!
There's a lot that goes on the first trimester, lots of organs forming, and the baby grows really fast so it's no wonder I'm starving all the time and tired.
I really can't wait until I can feel it move. That'll be awesome.
I borrowed a belly band from my sis-in-law today and wow is that an awesome invention! I can generally walk around just fine with my pants buttoned, but sitting; especially after eating when the gas starts it's inevitable build up, that's when I feel like a glutton on Thanksgiving. I gotta say, I've been excited about maternity clothes shoping, but have been holding back. I know I"m gonna get sick of these clothes before the end, and plus I'd look pretty silly wearing them too early. Still though, I'm gonna do a little shopping this week with my mom and dad just to get ready. I honestly think about three more weeks and I won't be able to zip my pants. As it is I can't really fit into my dress slacks, and I've got a writers conference in like two weeks! Again, thank God for belly bands!

Remembering the joy through the nausea.

2009-06-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

It's been hard the past week to remember that all the nausea, gas, bloating, and constipation is because we are finally pregnant, but I'm trying. I did a prenatal yoga DVD last week, and I was crying at one point because it was talking about connecting with the baby at different points in the practice. It hit home to me, through the fatigue and farts, that I had a little life growing inside of me. As I write this, I'm reminded again.
Our baby is about the size of a blueberry right now, and my uterus is twice it's size since I conceived! I couldn't believe that! I'm feeling a little...well not heavy, but definitely that there's something more in my abdomen area. I'm not showing yet. Like most healthy women I already had a little bump before I got pregnant. I'm excited and yet nervous about starting to show. I've worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy, it's been really hard to mentally handle eating six to seven times a day to stave of nausea and an empty stomach.
I gotta tell ya, our little Tigger is an eater! She/he blows through food like nobody's business!
But I'm choosing healthy options, even as my body is craving the breads, potatoes and pasta's I kept so in check the last four years. I'm giving myself some leeway with it, but choosing whole grains whenever I can as opposed to white flour and trying to learn how to make vegan mashed potatoes since they don't have all the butter and cream of regular mashed.
I'm making myself walk about a mile a day, even if I can't work up the energy to do my yoga daily. My cardio DVD's are way too exhausting right now. Walking is easy because Gracie needs to be walked, and she needs a good thirty to fourty-five minute walk in the afternoon. She's been funny the last few weeks. She doesn't follow me around as much as she did, but she's definitely more attentive throughout the day.
I'll learn how to balance the nausea with remembering why I've got it in the first place; and being grateful for it too. It's a good sign. And when it goes away I'll be so glad!
I'm still laughing and smiling, though belly laughs are out of the question for now!

Sarah Laughed

2009-06-16T18:18:00.001-07:00

This was the last post at my old blog, Wanted: A Baby. Now that I am pregnant, I thought it was a good idea, to start fresh. Thanks to all of you who have journeyed with me so far, who cried with me and prayed or thought good thoughts for us. I hope this makes you laugh.

Hello readers! I know, long time no hear from. But I was taking a break. And then I was too grumpy to write. Now, I can't help myself.
At the beginning of May I was reminded once again of the story of Abraham and Sarah. Now, Sarah laughed twice regarding her infertility:
Once was in God's face. I mean it, she literally laughed in His face when He told her she'd have a baby soon. And believe me when I say, I know exactly how she felt!
The second time was when she gave birth to her son, Isaac. She said that she laughed and that everyone who heard about what she had gone through and about her son would laugh too. This time, she laughed in joy, not pain.
I couldn't get that story out of my head last month. Over and over, every time I'd doubt, or be sad. Or when our OPK didn't show that I was ovulating, in spite of using Clomid last month. Through it all I tried to remember this.
When Dan and I went to my OB on June first to talk about why I didn't ovulate the nurse suggested a pregnancy test. I grudgingly gave a urine sample. A little bit later, my OB peeked her head in and said "You're positive."
I was stunned, as was Dan right next to me; but that only lasted a half second. We laughed and cried for about fifteen minutes or so and then we did a blood test. The results later that night showed that we were definitely pregnant.
Today, we went in for our first ultrasound. I'm six weeks and four days along and the baby looks perfect.
It still doesn't seem real some days that the journey is over and a new one is beginning. Sometimes all I can focus on is not throwing up all over the floor (so far I've only had nausea and fatigue, but there's a been a few close calls on the actual vomiting department the last few days.) But today, with seeing the heart beat and seeing this small thing inside of me...Well, it brought it home to me and I started to cry some more.
Our baby is a miracle to us. We didn't think we could conceive without an IUI, but we did. We were worried I wasn't ovulating, but I was. And God put it all together and said "Now is the time."
I laughed, like Sarah. And everyone we've told has laughed and cried too.
So I guess God was trying to give me a heads up for what was to come.
If you'd like to follow my pregnancy blog, it is Sarah Laughed.