To Co-Exist

I once read a biography about Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath called "Her Husband." For those of you who don't know Sylvia Plath is the author of one of the most influential books of poetry of the 20th century called "Ariel". The book was published after she committed suicide.

One of the parts of the biography that I remember the best is when Sylvia is struggling with the idea of having children. She very much wants to be a mother, it's a primal desire within her. But another desire wars with it, the need to be a poet. She worries that the two; poet (artist) and mother can't co-exist, that one will ultimately kill the other.

I know just how she feels.

I struggled for three years to conceive my beautiful little girl, I would not trade her for all the free afternoons of writing or career making acting roles the world had to offer. She holds my heart in her tiny, chubby hand. When she smiles my soul soars, when she cries my soul does too. Her triumphs are mine, her pains are too.

I am a mother, to my bone marrow.

I am also an artist.

Since Rosalind's birth I have acted twice in short plays. It was hard for me to get back into the swing, hard to coordinate Dan getting home in time for me to go to rehearsals and performances. To be honest, if I wasn't frustrated with people wasting my time before I had the baby, I was now. Each time an actor was late, or a rehearsal drawn out I'd feel my body tensing with aggravation and exhaustion. I wasn't sleeping, I hardly had time to eat, I was trying to figure out how to be a mother while also trying to figure out how to memorize lines and be relaxed and in the moment. (My acting teacher Mr. J.D. Coburn would say that "figuring it out" was my first problem. Sometimes I genuinely miss that wise, artistic man.)

It was harder work than ever. And I wasn't sure I was still cut out for it. Truth be told, I'm still not sure. I've denied the actor in me for a while now because to face it was painful. I haven't been sure if I'd ever do the things I dreamed of. Will I ever get to play Beatrice in "Much Ado About Nothing" ? Or just be in a Shakespeare play with a real professional company? Will I ever be a paid actor; not Oscar winning, not super-mega star, but a well respected Indie actress?

I don't know.

I have no idea how to balance the mother with the artist. Like Sylvia I am at a loss to know how to stretch my soul so far.

But, I am reminded of the fact that; baring her massively depressive mind set, Sylvia Plath mothered two beautiful children and wrote a masterful novel called "The Bell Jar" and a visceral, beautiful, haunting book of poetry called "Ariel". Her artist found the time in the midst of motherhood to live and even thrive.

I like to have a plan, I like to know how things are going to happen. And I have no idea how this can happen. It'll take time, that much I know. I always believed I could be artist, wife, mother. Dan believes I can.

And honestly in looking for a nice wrap up to this post I'm coming up empty. The thought of waiting until she's old enough for preschool sounds doable, but I want another child. So what then? Wait another two or three years? Who knows. I refuse to give up but I feel outside pressures making that resolve weaken.

When I stop and breathe, though, the worry lessens, the fear quiets and I have peace. But I still don't know quite where I'm going, or what it'll look like when I get there. I need someone who believes in me, outside of Dan. I need someone who's been where I am and succeeded, who has satisfaction in motherhood and art.

Until then, God help me please. God keep the mother and the artist alive in me.

Book #16: To Kill a Mockingbird

"To Kill a Mockingbird" is an amazing book, I can't believe I haven't read before now. I was a little intimidated by it for some reason, but it's one of the easiest reads.

First person narratives can be boring if the protagonist isn't incredibly interesting. Scout is our narrator, and the book takes her from six to nine years old. It reads like a memoir, which I'm a big fan of. Scout tells her story simply, with little embellishment. It's folksy and heartbreaking. The only thing I've known about the story is that it deals with a black man accused of raping a white woman, but there's so much more to it than that.

It's a coming of age for a young girl struggling to figure out her world and the people in it. The trial of Tom Robinson is one of the central aspects of her story because it affects her world in such a large way. To see the trial through her young eyes is gripping, sad, exciting and intriguing all at the same time. Scout sees the injustice of the trial in such a simple way that it breaks my heart.

Scout endures seeing her brother grow from a rambunctious boy into a moody teen without fully understanding what he's going through. She, her brother and their friend, Dill, are obsessed with a recluse named Boo Radley, who turns out to be their saving grace at the end of the book.

The things Scout learns, the way she's changed is told subtly and simply and because of that it's incredibly touching. It's a book I will read again and again and will make sure Rosalind reads by the time she's fourteen. It's just that good.

Book #14 & 15: "Hood" and "Buddhism for Mothers"

I'll begin briefly with the fiction book I just finished called "Hood" by Stephen R. Lawhead. It's a retelling of the Robin Hood myth, obviously, but with a new twist; well new to me anyway. It's set in Wales as the Ffreinc are conquering and taking the land away from the people. The main character is Bran, a spoiled, self involved young man who loses his overbearing father at the beginning of the book. His choices are to either abandon his people or become the legendary Raven King, or Rhi Bran the Hud, and save his people from the oppression of the Ffreinc.
It's an enjoyable read, great if you're looking for something to simply zone out to. The characters are at once believable and entertaining. After a break neck beginning the middle slows way down as the hero undergoes a transformation and our villains each position themselves to divide the Welsh countryside among them. I highly recommend it.

Now on to "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napthali. I know it may sound strange for a Christ-follower to be reading a book about Buddhism, but I have to say I was surprised to discover how many Buddhist principles can be found among Jesus' teachings.

There is a belief in Buddhism that we must learn to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves before we can be that way with others and that spiritual change is a long journey, fraught with set backs and plateaus. This is one of the main things that brought me peace from reading this book. So often as a Christ-follower I am harsh with myself for not being better, not being further along in my spiritual journey; and this has seeped into my view of myself as a mother. Being a parent is hard enough without being your own worst critic. This book gave some deep and amazing principles for living a life of compassion towards ourselves and those around us, for working through and discarding worry, and for carving out times of peace and meditation (or prayer).

It wasn't easy to get through not because it was condemning, but because there was so much wisdom in it. I believe that true wisdom, whether phrased in the Bible, Buddhist teachings, Kabbalah or Koran is from God; I know that will likely raise eyebrows and blood pressure for some of you, but hear me out. I am a Christ-follower, I don't believe I've strayed from that. But I feel that I've heard the same thing the same way so much that I needed to hear true wisdom in a fresh way. That's why this book resonated with me; or at least one of the reasons.

It gives some wonderful ways to help deal with anger, worry, how to be in the moment rather than always thinking ahead and how to cultivate a spirit of love for our family and those in our community; how to be open and expand our world, in other words, to include more than just ourselves.

Honestly there's so much I got out of this book that I can't post it all. But let me just say I was constantly drawn to the Bible as I read it, constantly reminded of verses I hadn't thought of in months or years. And as I read I felt compassion for myself growing, I felt God loving me, and teaching me. I've been making an effort to surrender control of my day, of being the perfect parent to God every day. And I've been trying to be present to every moment, and not judge them good or bad because I don't know how God will transform them, or what He will use to teach me.

I recommend this book for any parent, whether you're a mother or father, whether you've just had a baby, are pregnant or your kids are in High School.