I know I don't write very often, it's mainly because my brain power is severely limited at this point. But next week is week 12 in my pregnancy, the end of the first trimester and I wanted to write something to mark it.
It's been far too easy to forget why I'm feeling so crappy the last few months: a baby grows inside of me. We have the ultrasound pics on the fridge, and today I purposefully looked at the picture and then thought about the little belly that is constantly taking all the food I eat, the little hands waving back and forth, the feet kicking already. I'm amazed to learn that teeth buds are forming, and tiny nails are starting to grow on it's tiny fingers and toes. It helps to be reminded of this, it makes it worth it, truly.
The euphoria when we first found out has faded a little in the face of stress of trying to do things when I'm tired and not feeling good and Dan having to fill in the gaps in our house. And, shockingly (ha, ha), stress and worry did not disappear with pregnancy. I mean we're very happy that we no longer have the heartache of wondering if we will ever have a child, that is a relief, and even as I write it I have to smile. The miracle of it, the absolute "Wow! Really?!" is still there when I remember the struggle the last three years has been.
But, there are still things that we must trust God for, and I won't get too specific. I will say it was humbling and a slam back down to earth to realize that trusting is far from over for us. I guess we thought we'd get a little reprieve from the "Oh my God how do we handle...?"
I had my doubts when we got pregnant if I really learned how to trust the way I was 'supposed' to. But it's not about that really. Trials and struggles, which are a daily part of just being alive, are about learning how to be stronger, humbler, more trusting and whole bunch of other things I've yet to learn/master. I'm not perfect with any of this, and I would bet there were times I could have done better during our struggle with infertility. But that doesn't mean God is disappointed, or that I didn't learn anything. I did.
Is it hard to remember those lessons? Oh yeah!
Am I trying? OH YEAH!
It's a lifetime thing. I don't think any of us learn how to handle suffering, trials, fears, etc. perfectly, but we try to do it well, with integrity, trust, humility and courage.
I really can't wait to feel little Tigger kick, or move. That's the next milestone I'm looking forward to. Well, besides fitting into maternity clothes better so that clothes aren't too tight or too loose. (Sigh) And to think, before I got pregnant, I lost enough weight to fit into size 6 skinny jeans....Well, that will be a good goal post partum, huh?
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
I don't need beans to pass gas.
I never knew that it could be so hard to figure out if I'm just gassy or hungry. But lately it has been. One morning last week I had the evil pregnancy triumvirate of nausea, constipation and gas...all at the same time. Yeah, no one told me that was possible when I was reading about pregnancy all these years.
The nausea is finally starting to abate, though the need to eat every two or three hours, the gas, bloating and epic belches still are around and I'm not sure they're leaving any time soon. Speaking of belches, I haven't burped like this in a good twelve years! Seriously! I think I could scare a large, predatory animal sometimes with the length, depth and volume of these suckers. But man do they feel good! I've had moments of tearing up, lamenting that I'm so unfeminine and sexy right now. Dan just rolls his eyes and tells me that's rubbish, then he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that a lot lately. He's been a life saver. He's picked up some of the cleaning chores I normally do, made dinner a lot, even made special trips to the store for me. Yes, I have the bestest husband ever!
I have had a few instances of the dreaded Psycho-Pregnant woman, but not nuclear. It's mostly when I'm driving. For some reason the complete stupidity of the drivers where I live can turn me from a smiling, belching mom to be into a yelling, cursing lunatic. I'm told this is normal. That makes me feel better.
Right now, Tigger (that's our in-uterine name for the baby right now) moves around in the uterus, even though I can't feel him/her, and it's getting finger and toe nails. My uterus has gone from the size of pear to a grapefruit; no wonder I feel bloated/fat all the time now!
There's a lot that goes on the first trimester, lots of organs forming, and the baby grows really fast so it's no wonder I'm starving all the time and tired.
I really can't wait until I can feel it move. That'll be awesome.
I borrowed a belly band from my sis-in-law today and wow is that an awesome invention! I can generally walk around just fine with my pants buttoned, but sitting; especially after eating when the gas starts it's inevitable build up, that's when I feel like a glutton on Thanksgiving. I gotta say, I've been excited about maternity clothes shoping, but have been holding back. I know I"m gonna get sick of these clothes before the end, and plus I'd look pretty silly wearing them too early. Still though, I'm gonna do a little shopping this week with my mom and dad just to get ready. I honestly think about three more weeks and I won't be able to zip my pants. As it is I can't really fit into my dress slacks, and I've got a writers conference in like two weeks! Again, thank God for belly bands!
The nausea is finally starting to abate, though the need to eat every two or three hours, the gas, bloating and epic belches still are around and I'm not sure they're leaving any time soon. Speaking of belches, I haven't burped like this in a good twelve years! Seriously! I think I could scare a large, predatory animal sometimes with the length, depth and volume of these suckers. But man do they feel good! I've had moments of tearing up, lamenting that I'm so unfeminine and sexy right now. Dan just rolls his eyes and tells me that's rubbish, then he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that a lot lately. He's been a life saver. He's picked up some of the cleaning chores I normally do, made dinner a lot, even made special trips to the store for me. Yes, I have the bestest husband ever!
I have had a few instances of the dreaded Psycho-Pregnant woman, but not nuclear. It's mostly when I'm driving. For some reason the complete stupidity of the drivers where I live can turn me from a smiling, belching mom to be into a yelling, cursing lunatic. I'm told this is normal. That makes me feel better.
Right now, Tigger (that's our in-uterine name for the baby right now) moves around in the uterus, even though I can't feel him/her, and it's getting finger and toe nails. My uterus has gone from the size of pear to a grapefruit; no wonder I feel bloated/fat all the time now!
There's a lot that goes on the first trimester, lots of organs forming, and the baby grows really fast so it's no wonder I'm starving all the time and tired.
I really can't wait until I can feel it move. That'll be awesome.
I borrowed a belly band from my sis-in-law today and wow is that an awesome invention! I can generally walk around just fine with my pants buttoned, but sitting; especially after eating when the gas starts it's inevitable build up, that's when I feel like a glutton on Thanksgiving. I gotta say, I've been excited about maternity clothes shoping, but have been holding back. I know I"m gonna get sick of these clothes before the end, and plus I'd look pretty silly wearing them too early. Still though, I'm gonna do a little shopping this week with my mom and dad just to get ready. I honestly think about three more weeks and I won't be able to zip my pants. As it is I can't really fit into my dress slacks, and I've got a writers conference in like two weeks! Again, thank God for belly bands!
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