I know it's been a while since I've written. There's been a lot to do between getting the baby's room ready, working, trying to revise my book before the baby comes and just being tired a lot.
For those of you who don't know: We're having a girl! Her name is Rosalind Lorraine. We couldn't be happier.
I couldn't wait until the fall, not just because the colors here in the Northwest are so vibrant and the air is so crisp,but because the second trimester is supposed to be great. For the most part it has been. Fewer emotional troubles, though I still have times of crying over the smallest thing. For example, the commercials for "Where the Wild Things Are", I cry every time I've seen it because I just know he has to leave those "monsters" and all I can think is how terrible that is!
Dan just looks at me and smiles, shakes his head, kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me. I don't think he really knows what else to do in those moments; and that's ok. I really don't know what I want him to do.
I'm also getting really anxious about the house being tidy. I wouldn't say full blown nesting, but if the kitchen table gets a little cluttered I start to get ansy; stuff like that.
It was hard to remember during the first trimester that thsi was such a miraculous blessing. But now it's easier. I can't help looking at my belly and smiling. I just had begun to assume I'd never see this. Never feel a baby kicking inside of me. Her movements are actually pretty amazing.
There's the fluttering; which I wonder if it's hiccups or if she's flipping around or what. There's the constant pressure feeling, which I think is her stretching. And then there's your typical kick. The kick is all over the place, but it seems that Rosalind can't get enough of hitting my bladder. I think she thinks it's either a plaything or it's just downright funny to make mom wince and beg her to move.
It's never been difficult for the Dr. to find her heart beat, which I am so grateful for. When we did the ultrasound, it was amazing to see her. A perfect profile was what we were blessed with. We could see her nose, lips, chin, forehead, her hand and fingers. I cried the whole time, especially when the technician told us it was a girl. We both cried pretty good at that point.
I'm trying to savor every day. To talk to her when she's moving, we both try and read to her and Dan still sings to my belly.
Rosalind kicks for him sometimes, but I wonder if when Dan talks to her she doesn't get calm because her movements stop. I kinda like that, as if her daddy's voice makes her peaceful.
I get nervous and scared sometimes, thinking of being Mommy. And sometimes I get weepy. And sometimes I get excited. I'm pretty sure this is normal. Who doesn't feel a little "Oh My God!" when you think of being responsible for a helpless, beautiful, amazing baby.
It makes me smile, though, to think of being Mommy. That she'll come to me (or Dan of course) when she's hurt, or needs a hug, or approval, or advice or any plethora of things. I'll know what she's saying when others don't. I'll be able to comfort her when others can't.
I'm amazed that we've been given this little gift. I can't wait to hold her... that's just...I want it so bad but being pregnant is pretty amazing too. And I'm loving it!

The lessons never stop

I know I don't write very often, it's mainly because my brain power is severely limited at this point. But next week is week 12 in my pregnancy, the end of the first trimester and I wanted to write something to mark it.
It's been far too easy to forget why I'm feeling so crappy the last few months: a baby grows inside of me. We have the ultrasound pics on the fridge, and today I purposefully looked at the picture and then thought about the little belly that is constantly taking all the food I eat, the little hands waving back and forth, the feet kicking already. I'm amazed to learn that teeth buds are forming, and tiny nails are starting to grow on it's tiny fingers and toes. It helps to be reminded of this, it makes it worth it, truly.
The euphoria when we first found out has faded a little in the face of stress of trying to do things when I'm tired and not feeling good and Dan having to fill in the gaps in our house. And, shockingly (ha, ha), stress and worry did not disappear with pregnancy. I mean we're very happy that we no longer have the heartache of wondering if we will ever have a child, that is a relief, and even as I write it I have to smile. The miracle of it, the absolute "Wow! Really?!" is still there when I remember the struggle the last three years has been.
But, there are still things that we must trust God for, and I won't get too specific. I will say it was humbling and a slam back down to earth to realize that trusting is far from over for us. I guess we thought we'd get a little reprieve from the "Oh my God how do we handle...?"
I had my doubts when we got pregnant if I really learned how to trust the way I was 'supposed' to. But it's not about that really. Trials and struggles, which are a daily part of just being alive, are about learning how to be stronger, humbler, more trusting and whole bunch of other things I've yet to learn/master. I'm not perfect with any of this, and I would bet there were times I could have done better during our struggle with infertility. But that doesn't mean God is disappointed, or that I didn't learn anything. I did.
Is it hard to remember those lessons? Oh yeah!
Am I trying? OH YEAH!
It's a lifetime thing. I don't think any of us learn how to handle suffering, trials, fears, etc. perfectly, but we try to do it well, with integrity, trust, humility and courage.
I really can't wait to feel little Tigger kick, or move. That's the next milestone I'm looking forward to. Well, besides fitting into maternity clothes better so that clothes aren't too tight or too loose. (Sigh) And to think, before I got pregnant, I lost enough weight to fit into size 6 skinny jeans....Well, that will be a good goal post partum, huh?

I don't need beans to pass gas.

I never knew that it could be so hard to figure out if I'm just gassy or hungry. But lately it has been. One morning last week I had the evil pregnancy triumvirate of nausea, constipation and gas...all at the same time. Yeah, no one told me that was possible when I was reading about pregnancy all these years.
The nausea is finally starting to abate, though the need to eat every two or three hours, the gas, bloating and epic belches still are around and I'm not sure they're leaving any time soon. Speaking of belches, I haven't burped like this in a good twelve years! Seriously! I think I could scare a large, predatory animal sometimes with the length, depth and volume of these suckers. But man do they feel good! I've had moments of tearing up, lamenting that I'm so unfeminine and sexy right now. Dan just rolls his eyes and tells me that's rubbish, then he kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that a lot lately. He's been a life saver. He's picked up some of the cleaning chores I normally do, made dinner a lot, even made special trips to the store for me. Yes, I have the bestest husband ever!
I have had a few instances of the dreaded Psycho-Pregnant woman, but not nuclear. It's mostly when I'm driving. For some reason the complete stupidity of the drivers where I live can turn me from a smiling, belching mom to be into a yelling, cursing lunatic. I'm told this is normal. That makes me feel better.
Right now, Tigger (that's our in-uterine name for the baby right now) moves around in the uterus, even though I can't feel him/her, and it's getting finger and toe nails. My uterus has gone from the size of pear to a grapefruit; no wonder I feel bloated/fat all the time now!
There's a lot that goes on the first trimester, lots of organs forming, and the baby grows really fast so it's no wonder I'm starving all the time and tired.
I really can't wait until I can feel it move. That'll be awesome.
I borrowed a belly band from my sis-in-law today and wow is that an awesome invention! I can generally walk around just fine with my pants buttoned, but sitting; especially after eating when the gas starts it's inevitable build up, that's when I feel like a glutton on Thanksgiving. I gotta say, I've been excited about maternity clothes shoping, but have been holding back. I know I"m gonna get sick of these clothes before the end, and plus I'd look pretty silly wearing them too early. Still though, I'm gonna do a little shopping this week with my mom and dad just to get ready. I honestly think about three more weeks and I won't be able to zip my pants. As it is I can't really fit into my dress slacks, and I've got a writers conference in like two weeks! Again, thank God for belly bands!

Remembering the joy through the nausea.

It's been hard the past week to remember that all the nausea, gas, bloating, and constipation is because we are finally pregnant, but I'm trying. I did a prenatal yoga DVD last week, and I was crying at one point because it was talking about connecting with the baby at different points in the practice. It hit home to me, through the fatigue and farts, that I had a little life growing inside of me. As I write this, I'm reminded again.
Our baby is about the size of a blueberry right now, and my uterus is twice it's size since I conceived! I couldn't believe that! I'm feeling a little...well not heavy, but definitely that there's something more in my abdomen area. I'm not showing yet. Like most healthy women I already had a little bump before I got pregnant. I'm excited and yet nervous about starting to show. I've worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy, it's been really hard to mentally handle eating six to seven times a day to stave of nausea and an empty stomach.
I gotta tell ya, our little Tigger is an eater! She/he blows through food like nobody's business!
But I'm choosing healthy options, even as my body is craving the breads, potatoes and pasta's I kept so in check the last four years. I'm giving myself some leeway with it, but choosing whole grains whenever I can as opposed to white flour and trying to learn how to make vegan mashed potatoes since they don't have all the butter and cream of regular mashed.
I'm making myself walk about a mile a day, even if I can't work up the energy to do my yoga daily. My cardio DVD's are way too exhausting right now. Walking is easy because Gracie needs to be walked, and she needs a good thirty to fourty-five minute walk in the afternoon. She's been funny the last few weeks. She doesn't follow me around as much as she did, but she's definitely more attentive throughout the day.
I'll learn how to balance the nausea with remembering why I've got it in the first place; and being grateful for it too. It's a good sign. And when it goes away I'll be so glad!
I'm still laughing and smiling, though belly laughs are out of the question for now!

Sarah Laughed

This was the last post at my old blog, Wanted: A Baby. Now that I am pregnant, I thought it was a good idea, to start fresh. Thanks to all of you who have journeyed with me so far, who cried with me and prayed or thought good thoughts for us. I hope this makes you laugh.

Hello readers! I know, long time no hear from. But I was taking a break. And then I was too grumpy to write. Now, I can't help myself.
At the beginning of May I was reminded once again of the story of Abraham and Sarah. Now, Sarah laughed twice regarding her infertility:
Once was in God's face. I mean it, she literally laughed in His face when He told her she'd have a baby soon. And believe me when I say, I know exactly how she felt!
The second time was when she gave birth to her son, Isaac. She said that she laughed and that everyone who heard about what she had gone through and about her son would laugh too. This time, she laughed in joy, not pain.
I couldn't get that story out of my head last month. Over and over, every time I'd doubt, or be sad. Or when our OPK didn't show that I was ovulating, in spite of using Clomid last month. Through it all I tried to remember this.
When Dan and I went to my OB on June first to talk about why I didn't ovulate the nurse suggested a pregnancy test. I grudgingly gave a urine sample. A little bit later, my OB peeked her head in and said "You're positive."
I was stunned, as was Dan right next to me; but that only lasted a half second. We laughed and cried for about fifteen minutes or so and then we did a blood test. The results later that night showed that we were definitely pregnant.
Today, we went in for our first ultrasound. I'm six weeks and four days along and the baby looks perfect.
It still doesn't seem real some days that the journey is over and a new one is beginning. Sometimes all I can focus on is not throwing up all over the floor (so far I've only had nausea and fatigue, but there's a been a few close calls on the actual vomiting department the last few days.) But today, with seeing the heart beat and seeing this small thing inside of me...Well, it brought it home to me and I started to cry some more.
Our baby is a miracle to us. We didn't think we could conceive without an IUI, but we did. We were worried I wasn't ovulating, but I was. And God put it all together and said "Now is the time."
I laughed, like Sarah. And everyone we've told has laughed and cried too.
So I guess God was trying to give me a heads up for what was to come.
If you'd like to follow my pregnancy blog, it is Sarah Laughed.