The Grilled "cheesus" and why I cried

I just finished watching the new episode of "Glee" and I was so very touched.

Now, I realize that this show is, at it's core, a sweet musical about what it means to be a teen. But every once in a while they do a show that is touching and makes me think, last nights was one of these.

At the beginning Finn makes a grilled cheese sandwich that has an image of Jesus on it and he immediately thinks he should start praying to it. Ok, I realize how incredibly eye rolling and silly this sounds, and I was laughing with it as well. But then the show turned, and suddenly Kurt's dad was in a coma and the questions about faith become touching and real.
Finn's grilled "cheesus" becomes the catalyst for asking the big questions about faith and life, and we see him and some of the others groping for faith in a world that doesn't make sense and is scary.

At one point some of the Glee kids want to pray for Kurts dad. But after being told by religious people that because he's gay that means he's evil and unwanted by God, Kurt doesn't want their prayers or anything having to do with God.

This is where I began to cry.

There was a lot more to the show, and I've included a link to Hulu so that you can watch it in case you're curious; which in spite of some of the spoilers I've included here I think you should.
I cried, I think, because I'm heartbroken by how exclusive Christianity has become.
The faith that said "Come to me ALL you who are weary or brokenhearted and I will give you rest." Now says "No, we don't want you because you're ______."

Some may think the idea of the grilled "cheesus" is really not appropriate, but let's think about this for a minute. What it did was help this character grope toward answers to his faith, even as it raised more questions. Everyone's journey to faith is different, who are we to judge what their journey looks like just because it doesn't appear like we think it should. If it brings people to faith, if it helps them answer questions then what harm is it?

There were other parts of the show that really touched me. One was Jane Lynch's character, the scene where she tells the guidance counselor Emma when she lost her faith and why, and the later scene where she's talking about that with her sister. I don't want to ruin it for you, you really should see it, but the scene with her sister made me cry the hardest. There was something so honest and touching that broke my heart because the people who question, and doubt, the ones that don't look like everyone else, or think like everyone else, they are the one's that are shunned and shut out.

It absolutely kills me that this is the reality of the Church in this country. And again, don't get me wrong, I know that there are many Christ-followers who arent' like this so I'm not trying to say absolutely everyone, but it feels like it sometimes.

God's love didn't discriminate when Jesus was here, and it shouldn't now either.

At the end of the show, it didn't seem that there were any solid answers. It didn't end with a nice little bow around it, and some of the characters are still groping for faith. I appreciated that, actually, because that's the journey of faith. It never stops and that's ok, that's life.

Book of the Week: "Mists of Avalon"

I originally read "Mists of Avalon" in High School, and I know I didn't quite get the deep layers of the story.

Yes, it's another Arthurian story, but it's told in a way that I'm not sure any other author has tried to tackle, and certainly no other has accomplished what Marion Zimmer Bradley has.

The Arthurian story is told through the eyes of the women of the legend: Igraine, Morgaine, Morgause, Gwenhyfar, Vivianne, Nimue, Elaine. It turns the conventions of the legend on their ear. Traditionally Morgaine and Morgause are one and the same. In this story they are two different characters; niece and aunt. Morgause is self-seeking, ruthless and, some might say, over sexed. But Morgaine is really the heroine of the story, the woman upon whom all things hinge and change and turn.

Gwenhyfar is a bit two dimensional and annoying, a true Christian zealot who only at the last moment realizes, even a little, where she's been wrong and because of that is able to be selfless.

Igraine is one of the more fascinating characters although at the end of her "life" in the book she becomes a cardboard cut out. Her love affair with Uther has a different spin on it, and there's a really beautiful and interesting scene where Igraine is remembering a past life with Uther and who they were to each other and the world around them. After Igraine and Uther are married, however, it feels as if Igraine regresses and all the dimension she had is suddenly gone.

The book is very long and in some ways the construction of the book is odd in that the author repeats information almost verbatim in two different scenes. There is sex in the book, but not overly descriptive or pornographic. The interesting twist is that where other tellings of the legend hint shyly at a homosexual attraction between Arthur and Lancelet, this book lets it be there. It doesn't beat us over the head with it, nor does it have them being lovers in the conventional sense, but it doesn't hide it either.

Though I have issues with her construction of the novel, it is written very well, and beautifully. Knowing the legend as well as I do, I would cringe when Morgaine, for example, would hope for the future or plan for a better tomorrow. And even though I know how the story ends for the most part, I found myself unable to stop reading at points. It's poignant and beautiful, the painfully exquisite faith and world of the Druids infusing the story with the mystery, charm and beauty of the Mists.

It certainly paints Christians with a one color brush, though. All Christians are portrayed only as intolerant and repressive of women. Though this is, unfortunately, a very true aspect of modern day and historical Christianity, not all Christians are like this and I would have liked at least a few Christian characters that had more tolerance and love and respect for women than what she had.

The book has very feminist undertones, but I didn't find it preachy at all. I actually found myself yearning to discover the rich history I have as a woman. The book does not portray women as better than men. Instead it celebrates our differences and tries to point out how our differences, when put together, form a mighty unit.

At the end of the book the Druid faith has faded into the mists, and seems to be no more. But the author gives us a little hope. As Morgaine visits a convent, she sees the shrine and chapel devoted to the Virgin Mary and Saint Bridget and realizes that though the old ways of worshiping the Goddess are gone for good, She still exists and will always exist.

This is beautiful to me in that the old sparks of faith that set our ancestors on their paths to discover the Creator, the ultimate Being are still alive today, they just look different. Our faith will evolve, and sometimes it will be ugly and destructive, but always the spark of beauty, peace and truth that was before will remain somehow, we just have to be open to it.

Am I saying I now believe in a Goddess as opposed to God? No, but I have often wondered, and still wonder, if relegating God to being a Man isn't limiting a being that is inherently infinite. Couldn't God be both male and female? In the act of creation, isn't there the need for both the feminine and the masculine? Perhaps I will never know for sure until I see God face to face, and I'm kind of at peace with that.

The book was great, in spite of the parts I didn't like. I recommend this book to anyone, especially authors of fantasy. Just make sure you're ready for a potentially long stretch of reading this.

Book of the Week: Dirty, Sexy Politics

Ok, so let me preface this by saying I am not a Republican, neither in the more traditional small government sense nor in the current sense. I decided to read this book because Meghan McCain appeared on Rachel Maddow one night and my curiosity was piqued when I heard her say that she was in favor of gay marriage and the repeal of don't-ask-don't-tell.

The other reason would be that my family is pretty conservative and in the past few months we've clashed on many current issues. Although I know that in order to better understand where my family is coming from I'd need to read and/or watch more of a certain person who shall remain nameless...Let's call him George, for the sake of ease. I don't really like George at all, and have tried to watch George's show but find it makes me very mad.

So, I figured, here's a woman whose father was the man my parent's voted for in the election, she's conservative, though she may differ from them on a few issues, and I found that as I was listening to her talk on Maddow that she was fairly intelligent; so I though she'd be one I could read and maybe be able to better understand where my family is coming from.

Also, it's just really good to every once in a while read something from a point of view that is different than how you would normally think.

So, with all this running through my head, I downloaded Meghan McCain's memoir of the 2008 Presidential campaign onto my Nook and began to read.

In the very first chapter I learned something new about the Republican party. Now in my limited experience with politics, I always heard the Republicans have a very conservative Christian POV about things; specifically homosexuals, abortion and sex education. But, the more traditional, Ronald Reagan type Republican is quite different. Traditionally (and may I say the really true definition of) Republicans are for small government, meaning the less the government regulates and gets into our lives the more our lives can be lived with the freedom America stands for. This means that a tried and true Republican wouldn't try and regulate marriage, abortion rights, etc. because it would infringe upon the belief that government should stay out of your private life. This is the type of Republican Meghan McCain professes to be. Although I do not agree with small government in a general sense, it was nice to finally understand a very small glimpse of why someone might be a Republican because to be honest I couldn't get past all the hate mongering that's going on in the party.

The book has a nice flow to it and is a pretty easy read. Meghan is likeable enough, and you can even cringe and laugh with her as she makes one gaffe after another. My favorite story is when she and her mother went to have lunch with Laura Bush at the White House but it's too long to go into so you'll just have to either buy the book or get it from the Library.

Where it got annoying was the constant talk about how wonderful a man her father is and how he ran such a great campaign with little character assassination, and how he's just so wonderful, and how he's the greatest guy ever...on and on and on. I mean, I do get it; if my dad was running for President I'd gush too, but it was just a little too much. Especially since she talks about how the press was too liberal and too hard on her dad and how he ran such an upstanding campaign and never got into the mud...Yeah, I remember things VERY differently, but then again, John McCain isn't my dad; so I guess I can cut her a little slack.

The end of the book is the point of the book and that is that the Republican party needs to WAKE UP so that they aren't torn apart and crushed by an increasingly marginalizing message. She says, and I agree, that they are forcing moderates within the party to go elsewhere for leadership, relying on a small group of people that speak the loudest and have views that go beyond conservative, and way beyond true Republicanism. Though I'm not a Republican, I think the party does need to listen because what they are doing is damaging and will continue to be damaging to our country. This hate of others because they have a different opinion, different sexuality, different whatever is just awful and it's tearing apart our country. They can blame Democrats all they want, but they are the ones shouting the loudest. The new Republican party goes by names such as Tea Party, Libertarian, Constitutionalist, but they are all under and with the support of the Republican party. And they are causing division and hate. And I am constantly shocked that they profess to be for Liberty and what the founding fathers stood for, but their actions and message are so opposite of all that.

So, what did I think of the book? I liked it, though I don't agree with half of what she said. She's interesting and I'll be interested to see what she does in the coming years. And I hope the Republican party can someday hear her and others like her.

Next week I'll be reviewing "Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley. Talk about a change of gears, huh?

Book of the Week: "The Female Brain"

I decided to do a weekly segment called "Book of the week". I'm usually reading two or three books at once, even with a seven month old crawling around and I wanted to share the one that I either finish this week or that has really made me think. So here goes....

"The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, MD is a fascinating read. I bought it soon after Rosalind was born because I wanted to better understand her and myself as a new mother. The author is the founder of the Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone clinic as well as having done years of research on the difference between women's and men's brains. The book comes complete with a sketch of a woman's brain and a chart showing the different stages of a woman's life, what her hormones and brain are going through.

Dr. Brizendine admits that some women are afraid of talking about the differences between men and women's brains because they consider it necessary that no differences between men and women are seen in order for there to be equality. But her point of view, and I have to say I agree, is that if we understand our differences it helps science and medicine better now how to treat our illnesses and needs as women. Dr. Brizendine makes it very clear that this book isn't to say that we as women are imprisoned into one way of being, but that understanding how we are made can help us either accept certain things about ourselves or help us know how to change things about ourselves. "If we acknowledge that our biology is influenced by other factors, including our sex hormones and their flux, we can prevent it from creating a fixed reality by which we are ruled."

It shocked me to learn that as recently as the 1990's very little research had been done in the differences of male and female brains. The author admits that there is still so much they don't know about how a woman's brain functions, and that more extensive research must be done. One area that there is ever changing opinion about is Hormone Replacement Therapy for menopausal women. Apparently until about mid twentieth century, most women weren't living long enough to go through a full blown menopause. Now science must run to catch up with our longevity and the now obvious need for studying a woman's physiology to help prevent diseases and disorders that seem to target women more frequently than men.

I won't go into all the scientific speak; which Dr. Brizendine doesn't dumb down but neither does she write it like a college textbook, but basically our brains and how they interact with our unique hormone cocktail is what makes us women. It's what makes us process information differently, what makes us fight with our significant others and family members differently than men, what makes us need to talk so much, why we have a tendency to gravitate toward the guys or girls that we can "fix up" or the classic brooding male, why we seem to work so hard to avoid conflict (whether by pleasing people or being passive aggressive) and so many other things that seem to make the stereotypical female.

I could finally see why I may remember things Dan said months ago that hurt me, specific things, and he may only remember the highlights. Why I am so affected by the facial expressions of those around me, when most men I know don't really notice. And why I may stress out about things Dan doesn't and that it affects me differently than him.

It was also fascinating to read about how Rosalind, as a girl, would develop differently than her male cousins; not better or less, but differently. For instance "Over the first three months of life, a baby girl's skills in eye contact and mutual facial gazing will increase by over 400%, whereas facial gazing skills in boys during this time will not increase at all." She goes on to explain that baby girls are born with a curiousity and need to connect through emotional expression. They will also learn to speak quicker than boys because their need to communicate is ingrained in how their brain has developed in the womb.

Dr. Brizendine goes through every single stage in our lives as women and how our brains change and grow. I wish I could list all the amazing things I learned, but I'll let you read for yourselves. And I'm gonna see if Dan will read it as well, with two females in the house, it may be good for him to know what he's got and gonna get!

If you are a woman, love a woman, have a young girl or teen in the house I strongly suggest reading this book. The link in this post will take you to Dr. Brizendine's site where you can order the book.

Next week's segment will be about Meghan McCain's memoir of her fathers' presidential campaign "Dirty, Sexy Politics" Surprised I'm reading a book by a Republican? Me too.

And please feel free to share books that have impacted you or you have enjoyed, I'd love to hear from my few but faithful readers.

Authentic Desire

Sometimes being oneself is hard; really, really hard.
There can be outside obstacles, people or circumstances that make us feel that we just can't be who we are, or who we are isn't good enough.
I've been struggling with this over the last few months.
It's been a long road to like myself, and I finally felt like I'd arrived; at least as much as any of us can. And then the challenges started rearing their ugly heads.
I've felt like I've needed to hide who I am; the opinions I try to voice kindly, the love I have, the excitement I have about things I learn, the struggle and triumphs of living a creative life, etc.
But I just can't anymore.
I'm tired of doubting myself.
Of feeling that I need to bottle myself up in order to be accepted.
I won't go into where exactly I'm feeling that, it's far too personal and I'd rather not hurt those that have made me feel this way; I love them far too much to air it in this public arena. Needless to say, I know a conversation is coming; and I wish it wasn't needed.
Will they accept me?
I don't know.
Isn't that an awful feeling?
But I need to be ME.
I'm not so bad really. I've got beauty in me. My talents are beautiful.
My ability to mother and be a wife, friend, daughter, sister is beautiful.
Me, myself, all the dark and light parts of my soul are beautiful.
God has deemed it so.
I accept His/Her judgment.
I'm so tired of hiding. I don't have to hide everywhere, just certain places. But those are some of the hardest to hide and I'm angry because I shouldn't have to hide in this place (sorry for the cryptic)!
I'm hurt, because I desire so badly to be known in this particular place, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I can't change them, only myself.
So, I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna be rude or mean or anything like that either. But I'm gonna be me.
And try to learn how to live and love even if they never know or accept the real me.

Timing is everything

My first performance since Rosalind's been born will be tomorrow night for the "Eat my shorts" festival of short plays at the Open Circle (in case you'd like to attend).
What I'm discovering, however, is that I'm a little...well...frustrated with returning to acting. I've had no time to edit my book, and I'm really excited to do it; if you can believe I'm excited about editing. But for the first time a professional in the publishing business has been excited about the book and I have to trim the word count before sending it to her. So, I feel close to getting an agent at the very least but haven't had the time between my day job and getting ready for the play to do any editing.
Dan and I talked it over last night and he helped me find some clarity.
I do not believe I should give up acting, I love it far too much. But I think the timing was off a little to return to it. I'm going to finish the two other ten minute plays I'm cast in; which go up in October, and then take several months off to finish editing and send it out.
By the time TPS auditions come about I'm hoping to have the book finally and truly finished (at least until an editor gets a look at it!)
I've had a lot of questions in my head about doing both acting and writing. It's gonna be a challenge, but every time I think of choosing one or the other I get a stubborn jolt in the pit of my belly and I just can't. Some might call me stupid, they may caution that I will miss too much of Rosalind's life doing both and having a husband, etc. But I don't think so.
I can do this.
It will be hard, that's for sure, there will be challenges. But I have a wonderful husband who will help me, and I will help him. I'm very excited for him to pick up directing and possibly acting again in the future. For now he's content to develop and perhaps begin to do some creative producing; and I will support him as much as possible in that.
We never know until we try...until we really, with all our heart and soul try. There are limitations, but I guess I don't want to know the ceiling until I've smashed my head into it.

A better relationship

So, losing the baby weight is hard! It took me several months to rethink eating in general, including portion size and the fact that no, I shouldn't have heavy carbs in every meal. ( I got really used to eating mac 'n' cheese, brownies, frozen yogurt and PB & J sandwiches on whole wheat)
Now it's still not easy, but I tend to only do "bad" eating when I'm in serious need of comfort food.
Like tonight for instance.
I controlled myself all day, even going for a walk though I had bad...girlie pain (enough said). But tonight nothing would do except a corned beef sandwich from Geraldine's Counter. This is possibly the ultimate comfort sandwich (at least for me): Beef Brisket thin sliced, gruyere cheese, on fresh baked rye bread with an interesting sauce (I also put spicy mustard on it if I get it to-go). I get it with a green salad, because I need to assuage my guilt somehow.
(Geraldine's Counter also has the BEST biscuits I've ever had, except for my mom and grandmothers; I mean these things are a meal unto themselves and I would crave them non-stop when I was preggers.)
I try to give myself some breathing room, realizing that losing this baby weight could take a little while. I've done pretty good, and am closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels sooooo slow! I want to get back there soon, but I'm trying to give myself room to splurge when needed.
But I gotta say I'm impatient.
I've always had a complicated relationship with food, and I really want to change that before Rosalind is old enough to understand why mommy worries over the calories in a can of non-fat refried beans. I want her to have a better relationship with her body and with food and health than I have.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did the best she could to instill a love for my body and understanding of how to eat healthy, etc. It's just as the years have gone on, it's become more and more difficult to accept healthy as good looking; do you know what I mean?
I want to be healthy, not ubber thin, not "Hollywood" thin, but healthy. I want to have the proper respect for food and exercise so that Rosalind can learn by my example.
I want to do this for me and my daughter. And it's been hard.
Reprograming always is. But I'm trying every day to look at what I'm eating as "What is healthy?", not "What will get me down to a size six?"
I'm sure I have room for improvement (after all, chocolate doesn't have it's own place on the food pyramid), but I also need to let myself screw up. Slow and steady isn't so bad.
So, ok, here I go. I'll start over tomorrow, tonight was a cheat night.

I'm Baaaack!

O-K!
So quick catch up for those of you who thought I dropped off the face of the earth:
Rosalind arrived January 27th, just over 7lbs and is wonderful! She's now 6 mo's old, and gorgeous! She's cutting her first tooth right now, and is fighting a cough, stuffed up nose and not being able to sleep as well as she had before all this happened; and therefore Dan and I aren't sleeping either. But we're getting through it.
I've decided to restart my blog because:
1-I loved it so much and I like "listening" to myself talk (what actor doesn't?)

2-I'm doing "final" (ha,ha) edits on my novel and am ramping up my platform so I can have a leg up when it comes time to market the book (I'm just gonna assume someone's gonna want to publish it because ladies and gents it is FABULOUS!)

Sooo, here we go!
I have a website in construction mode right now, so I won't be putting the link until it's a little more developed, but it will be for both acting and writing.
I'm in three 10 minute plays and will be posting the dates, times and location in FB, Twitter and here. (Yes, I caved and got Facebook and Twitter...gosh I'm a media whore! LOL) So please come and see them!
And yes, all that with a 6 month old...can u say caffeine is my best friend EVER?!

Stay tuned for more on my book, the plays and our adventures with our little Rosalind.