Sometimes being oneself is hard; really, really hard.
There can be outside obstacles, people or circumstances that make us feel that we just can't be who we are, or who we are isn't good enough.
I've been struggling with this over the last few months.
It's been a long road to like myself, and I finally felt like I'd arrived; at least as much as any of us can. And then the challenges started rearing their ugly heads.
I've felt like I've needed to hide who I am; the opinions I try to voice kindly, the love I have, the excitement I have about things I learn, the struggle and triumphs of living a creative life, etc.
But I just can't anymore.
I'm tired of doubting myself.
Of feeling that I need to bottle myself up in order to be accepted.
I won't go into where exactly I'm feeling that, it's far too personal and I'd rather not hurt those that have made me feel this way; I love them far too much to air it in this public arena. Needless to say, I know a conversation is coming; and I wish it wasn't needed.
Will they accept me?
I don't know.
Isn't that an awful feeling?
But I need to be ME.
I'm not so bad really. I've got beauty in me. My talents are beautiful.
My ability to mother and be a wife, friend, daughter, sister is beautiful.
Me, myself, all the dark and light parts of my soul are beautiful.
God has deemed it so.
I accept His/Her judgment.
I'm so tired of hiding. I don't have to hide everywhere, just certain places. But those are some of the hardest to hide and I'm angry because I shouldn't have to hide in this place (sorry for the cryptic)!
I'm hurt, because I desire so badly to be known in this particular place, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I can't change them, only myself.
So, I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna be rude or mean or anything like that either. But I'm gonna be me.
And try to learn how to live and love even if they never know or accept the real me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Timing is everything
My first performance since Rosalind's been born will be tomorrow night for the "Eat my shorts" festival of short plays at the Open Circle (in case you'd like to attend).
What I'm discovering, however, is that I'm a little...well...frustrated with returning to acting. I've had no time to edit my book, and I'm really excited to do it; if you can believe I'm excited about editing. But for the first time a professional in the publishing business has been excited about the book and I have to trim the word count before sending it to her. So, I feel close to getting an agent at the very least but haven't had the time between my day job and getting ready for the play to do any editing.
Dan and I talked it over last night and he helped me find some clarity.
I do not believe I should give up acting, I love it far too much. But I think the timing was off a little to return to it. I'm going to finish the two other ten minute plays I'm cast in; which go up in October, and then take several months off to finish editing and send it out.
By the time TPS auditions come about I'm hoping to have the book finally and truly finished (at least until an editor gets a look at it!)
I've had a lot of questions in my head about doing both acting and writing. It's gonna be a challenge, but every time I think of choosing one or the other I get a stubborn jolt in the pit of my belly and I just can't. Some might call me stupid, they may caution that I will miss too much of Rosalind's life doing both and having a husband, etc. But I don't think so.
I can do this.
It will be hard, that's for sure, there will be challenges. But I have a wonderful husband who will help me, and I will help him. I'm very excited for him to pick up directing and possibly acting again in the future. For now he's content to develop and perhaps begin to do some creative producing; and I will support him as much as possible in that.
We never know until we try...until we really, with all our heart and soul try. There are limitations, but I guess I don't want to know the ceiling until I've smashed my head into it.
What I'm discovering, however, is that I'm a little...well...frustrated with returning to acting. I've had no time to edit my book, and I'm really excited to do it; if you can believe I'm excited about editing. But for the first time a professional in the publishing business has been excited about the book and I have to trim the word count before sending it to her. So, I feel close to getting an agent at the very least but haven't had the time between my day job and getting ready for the play to do any editing.
Dan and I talked it over last night and he helped me find some clarity.
I do not believe I should give up acting, I love it far too much. But I think the timing was off a little to return to it. I'm going to finish the two other ten minute plays I'm cast in; which go up in October, and then take several months off to finish editing and send it out.
By the time TPS auditions come about I'm hoping to have the book finally and truly finished (at least until an editor gets a look at it!)
I've had a lot of questions in my head about doing both acting and writing. It's gonna be a challenge, but every time I think of choosing one or the other I get a stubborn jolt in the pit of my belly and I just can't. Some might call me stupid, they may caution that I will miss too much of Rosalind's life doing both and having a husband, etc. But I don't think so.
I can do this.
It will be hard, that's for sure, there will be challenges. But I have a wonderful husband who will help me, and I will help him. I'm very excited for him to pick up directing and possibly acting again in the future. For now he's content to develop and perhaps begin to do some creative producing; and I will support him as much as possible in that.
We never know until we try...until we really, with all our heart and soul try. There are limitations, but I guess I don't want to know the ceiling until I've smashed my head into it.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A better relationship
So, losing the baby weight is hard! It took me several months to rethink eating in general, including portion size and the fact that no, I shouldn't have heavy carbs in every meal. ( I got really used to eating mac 'n' cheese, brownies, frozen yogurt and PB & J sandwiches on whole wheat)
Now it's still not easy, but I tend to only do "bad" eating when I'm in serious need of comfort food.
Like tonight for instance.
I controlled myself all day, even going for a walk though I had bad...girlie pain (enough said). But tonight nothing would do except a corned beef sandwich from Geraldine's Counter. This is possibly the ultimate comfort sandwich (at least for me): Beef Brisket thin sliced, gruyere cheese, on fresh baked rye bread with an interesting sauce (I also put spicy mustard on it if I get it to-go). I get it with a green salad, because I need to assuage my guilt somehow.
(Geraldine's Counter also has the BEST biscuits I've ever had, except for my mom and grandmothers; I mean these things are a meal unto themselves and I would crave them non-stop when I was preggers.)
I try to give myself some breathing room, realizing that losing this baby weight could take a little while. I've done pretty good, and am closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels sooooo slow! I want to get back there soon, but I'm trying to give myself room to splurge when needed.
But I gotta say I'm impatient.
I've always had a complicated relationship with food, and I really want to change that before Rosalind is old enough to understand why mommy worries over the calories in a can of non-fat refried beans. I want her to have a better relationship with her body and with food and health than I have.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did the best she could to instill a love for my body and understanding of how to eat healthy, etc. It's just as the years have gone on, it's become more and more difficult to accept healthy as good looking; do you know what I mean?
I want to be healthy, not ubber thin, not "Hollywood" thin, but healthy. I want to have the proper respect for food and exercise so that Rosalind can learn by my example.
I want to do this for me and my daughter. And it's been hard.
Reprograming always is. But I'm trying every day to look at what I'm eating as "What is healthy?", not "What will get me down to a size six?"
I'm sure I have room for improvement (after all, chocolate doesn't have it's own place on the food pyramid), but I also need to let myself screw up. Slow and steady isn't so bad.
So, ok, here I go. I'll start over tomorrow, tonight was a cheat night.
Now it's still not easy, but I tend to only do "bad" eating when I'm in serious need of comfort food.
Like tonight for instance.
I controlled myself all day, even going for a walk though I had bad...girlie pain (enough said). But tonight nothing would do except a corned beef sandwich from Geraldine's Counter. This is possibly the ultimate comfort sandwich (at least for me): Beef Brisket thin sliced, gruyere cheese, on fresh baked rye bread with an interesting sauce (I also put spicy mustard on it if I get it to-go). I get it with a green salad, because I need to assuage my guilt somehow.
(Geraldine's Counter also has the BEST biscuits I've ever had, except for my mom and grandmothers; I mean these things are a meal unto themselves and I would crave them non-stop when I was preggers.)
I try to give myself some breathing room, realizing that losing this baby weight could take a little while. I've done pretty good, and am closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels sooooo slow! I want to get back there soon, but I'm trying to give myself room to splurge when needed.
But I gotta say I'm impatient.
I've always had a complicated relationship with food, and I really want to change that before Rosalind is old enough to understand why mommy worries over the calories in a can of non-fat refried beans. I want her to have a better relationship with her body and with food and health than I have.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did the best she could to instill a love for my body and understanding of how to eat healthy, etc. It's just as the years have gone on, it's become more and more difficult to accept healthy as good looking; do you know what I mean?
I want to be healthy, not ubber thin, not "Hollywood" thin, but healthy. I want to have the proper respect for food and exercise so that Rosalind can learn by my example.
I want to do this for me and my daughter. And it's been hard.
Reprograming always is. But I'm trying every day to look at what I'm eating as "What is healthy?", not "What will get me down to a size six?"
I'm sure I have room for improvement (after all, chocolate doesn't have it's own place on the food pyramid), but I also need to let myself screw up. Slow and steady isn't so bad.
So, ok, here I go. I'll start over tomorrow, tonight was a cheat night.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I'm Baaaack!
O-K!
So quick catch up for those of you who thought I dropped off the face of the earth:
Rosalind arrived January 27th, just over 7lbs and is wonderful! She's now 6 mo's old, and gorgeous! She's cutting her first tooth right now, and is fighting a cough, stuffed up nose and not being able to sleep as well as she had before all this happened; and therefore Dan and I aren't sleeping either. But we're getting through it.
I've decided to restart my blog because:
1-I loved it so much and I like "listening" to myself talk (what actor doesn't?)
2-I'm doing "final" (ha,ha) edits on my novel and am ramping up my platform so I can have a leg up when it comes time to market the book (I'm just gonna assume someone's gonna want to publish it because ladies and gents it is FABULOUS!)
Sooo, here we go!
I have a website in construction mode right now, so I won't be putting the link until it's a little more developed, but it will be for both acting and writing.
I'm in three 10 minute plays and will be posting the dates, times and location in FB, Twitter and here. (Yes, I caved and got Facebook and Twitter...gosh I'm a media whore! LOL) So please come and see them!
And yes, all that with a 6 month old...can u say caffeine is my best friend EVER?!
Stay tuned for more on my book, the plays and our adventures with our little Rosalind.
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